PERUSAL COPY ONLY
The Case of the Mysterious Cravat
An Inspector Giles Murder Mystery
Written by Michael K. Young
Copyright 2018 by Michael J. Young
Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that THE CASE OF THE MYSTERIOUS CRAVAT is subject to royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth including Canada and all other countries of the Copyright Union.
All inquiries concerning performance rights for THE CASE OF THE MYSTERIOUS CRAVAT may be directed to the author:
Mike Young
911 Charlotte St.
Longwood, FL 32750
Email: mike@interactivitiesink.com
Or the agent:
Scott Cherney
1189 NE 89th Ave. #314
Hillsboro, OR 97006
E-mail: writtenbysc@gmail.com
Cast of Characters (in order of appearance)
Note: This is a play within a play. The actors play characters with their same names, and are thus referred to by single letters. The actor characters play characters in the play within the play.
Director- Equal parts narcissistic and neurotic, he is everyone’s worst case in a director. He will desperately try to get control when things go wrong.
<B>- A conniving manipulative crafty older woman who has been throwing her influence around and making lots of enemies. She has been acting forever. She portrays Lady Bottomton, an older, proper, English wife. She hates her husband and she wants to see the world, but he refuses to travel. She sees him as an anchor around her neck, stuck in the provincial countryside. She has invited a host of people in to kill him off.
<C>-- A relatively new actor to the scene, but quite talented. However, it is later revealed that he also had an affair with <B>. He is not that bright. Portrays Inspector Giles, a brilliant detective who happens to be vacationing in the country. His motorcar broke down nearby and stopped by to use the phone.
<A>- He has quite the history with <B>. They are a divorced couple, a fact revealed in the second act. Really dislike <C> and <D> too. He portrays Lord Bottomton , a stuffy older English gentleman. He is retired army and is living comfortably in the countryside with his wife. However, he has secrets and is hated by his wife and nephew.
<D>- A sarcastic hothead who has had arguments with the director and with <B>. He will point out Every. Single. Trope in this murder mystery. He portrays Murry DeMorte, an obvious villain. Lord Bottomton’s disreputable nephew who is his sole surviving heir (after Lady Bottomton). He has come to Table Manor to try to gain the inheritance of his mother, Dame Dee Ceased.
<E>- A sophisticated actress who thinks she is better than all this. She is the levelheaded one who will keep things on track. She is also much smarter than her character. As it turns out, she’s also a policewoman. She portrays FiFi LaWowwow, a ditzy French Maid with whom Lord Bottomton is carrying on an affair. But is she just using him for his money?
Location: This is a play within a play, so the location is wherever the play is actually being held. But the location of the play within the play is the drawing room of venerable Table Manor, a well-kept, but older British manor house in the country.
This is an interactive script allowing for audience participation with scripted lines that can be provided to select participants prior to curtain or during the intermission.
ACT 1
(lines in italics are said from backstage, but with the microphones on so the audience can hear them)
(Director enters backstage)
Director: OK, we have about 1 minute. And don’t worry. The mikes are off and they can’t hear a word we say backstage.
<B>: (sarcastic) Darling, you’re here. Wonderful.
<C>: How is the audience? Is it a full house?
<B>: Oh never ask that, it’s bad luck. Besides, if there’s nobody there, we can blame it on the script, and if it’s a full house they are there to see me, naturally.
<A>: (sarcastically) Naturally.
<B>: Well, darling, it’s not like they are here to see you, is it?
<D>: Would you two stop it? You’re fighting like an old married couple.
<C>: <B>, I am so nervous, I’m parched. Could I get a sip from your water bottle?
<B>: Oh no. This is mine and I never share. There is some water over there.
<A>: Don’t worry <C>. I know this is your first show, there is nothing to worry about.
<B>: Yes, trust me. I’ve been in a lot of shows and as long as I’m around, nothing will go wrong.
Director <B> Could you tone it down just a little? We’re supposed to be one happy family.
<B>: Darling, we are clearly the most dysfunctional family since the Manson family. I’m not going to stop; this is my only chance to enjoy myself tonight. Once the show starts, I have to read your lines and my day just goes downhill from there.
Director: Fine. Whatever. I’m going to go out there and start the show. Are we all ready?
<A>: As ready as we can be, I suppose.
<B>: You know, darling, there is still time to save face. Go out there and refund their money and send them all home.
Director: What? No! My play is a masterpiece. Besides, they came all this way to see it. If I send them home, they’ll be furious!
<B>: Not as furious as they’ll be if they do see it, darling.
Director: Why do you have to be so mean? This is my big break. I… I’m going out there and starting the show. Try to act like you enjoy it.
<B>: Of course, darling, we’re actors. It’s what we do.
Director: And remember… once I go through that door, all our microphones are live. So, be quiet. We don’t want the audience to hear what we’re saying backstage.
(Director enters)
The Director: Hello. Hello and welcome to The Case of the Mysterious Cravat, an Inspector Giles Murder Mystery. This is the first Inspector Giles Murder Mystery, which I wrote. And directed. But if this goes well, I have at least 6 more in my head. Wait! Seven? Oh, that’s a good one. I have seven more Inspector Giles murder mysteries, which I cannot wait to present to you.
Oh, hello, by the way. My name is <name>, the writer and director of the show. I do hope you enjoy the show, but before we start, I have a few important announcements. (during the previous line, FiFi enters and starts dusting, and flirting with the audience). First, there is no smoking …
(Director notices <E> and goes over to stage whisper to her)
What are you doing?
<E>: You said “enjoy the show.” That’s my cue.
Director: I wasn’t finished making my announcements! They need to know about the emergency exits!
<E>: Well, it isn’t my fault you said my cue line early.
Director: Well, get backstage and wait for me to be finished.
(<E> exits. Director turns back to the audience.)
Director: Sorry about that. A minor issue. It won’t happen again. Now, where were we? Oh yes, first, there is no smoking in the (auditorium, restaurant, whatever). Next, the emergency exits are there and there. The bathrooms are to the back (or wherever). The first act will last about half an hour, then we’ll take a break for dinner, and then we’ll have act two.
And I wrote it all, the whole play! It is going to be interesting, exciting, and thrilling. And maybe you, yes you, you might actually solve the murder. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show!
(Director makes a big sweeping bow and then returns to their seat. Nothing happens for a few seconds. Director runs back to the center stage and repeats:)
Enjoy the show!
(a beat. Nothing)
(yelling) ENJOY THE SHOW!
(a beat. nothing. Director runs to the backstage area, clearly frustrated)
Director: <E> You’re on. Didn’t you hear me?
<E>: You told me to wait for you to be finished. How was I supposed to know when you were finished? You changed the cues.
Director: Why are you so difficult to work with? I! Am! Finished!
<B>: You certainly are, darling. I think your mike is live. The audience can hear you.
Director: What?
<B>: Oh yes, darling, the audience can totally hear you.
Director: (stage whisper) You! Get… on… stage…
(Fifi enters and starts dusting, angrily, maybe eventually dusting an audience member.)
Fifi: Zut alors. So much work to do to get the manor cleaned up for ze guests. Lord and Lady Bottomton were going to have a big party, but thanks to the storm outside (thunder crash)… well only their disreputable nephew Murry DeMorte will be showing up.
And this was to be the night, too, when Lord Bottomton’s elderly sister, Dame Dee Ceased, was to announce which of her relatives was to receive her vast fortune. Would it be her younger brother and his wife, or would it be her son Murry DeMorte? I suppose we can still find out, and of course, I, Fifi LaWowwow have to do all the cleaning around here.
(from offstage)
Lord Bottomton: Lady Bottomton,I feel we need to get downstairs soon.
Lady Bottomton: Why my darling Lord Bottomton, what is the hurry?
Lord Bottomton: The dinner party! It is important that we be on time for the guests.
Lady Bottomton: Really? When have you ever been on time for anything in your life? You are always late for dinner, and – all too often – you are premature.
Lord Bottomton: That was totally uncalled for. As head of the household, I deserve your respect.
Lady Bottomton: Respect has to be earned, darling, and that means you have a lot of work to do.
Fifi: Listen to that arguing. I suppose Lord and Lady Bottomton will be downstairs soon. I better get to ze cleaning.
(Fifi dusts some more as Lord and Lady Bottomton enter)
Lord B: I am just saying that maybe you could appreciate a roof over your head.
Lady B: I do appreciate the roof, and the walls, and the floor. It’s just some of the occupants that trouble me.
Lord B: With a wife like you, it’s a wonder I’m still here.
Lady B: With a husband like you, it’s a wonder you’re still here, too.
Lord B: Harrumph. I was in the war, you know. I need a drink! Fifi!
(Fifi goes to fetch a drink)
Lady B: All I’m saying is that I want to travel. I don’t want to be cooped up in this small country manor.
Lord B: I wish you’d fly the coop too, but I did enough travelling in the war. I’m retired!
Lady B: You’re retired and retiring, and I’m tired of it. We are in our golden years, and it is time to see the world!
Lord B: I want to rest here in peace and quiet!
Lady B: Oh, I want you to be resting in peace, too.
Lord B: Regardless, even if I wanted to travel – which I do not – we cannot afford it. Maybe after my sister, the Dame Dee Ceased, passes on and leaves us her fortune, we could travel. But until then, you will just have to be satisfied with our home sweet home.
Lady B: Our home sweet home is suffocating me.
Lord B: (aside) One can only hope. (to Lady B) Well, that is too bad, but perhaps dinner tonight can encourage you to think of our home.
Lady B: Are we still having a dinner party? Everyone has cancelled because of the storm. (thunder crashes).
Lord B: Not everyone.
Lady B: You don’t mean? Oh, not him.
Lord B: Yes, my disreputable nephew, Murry DeMorte, is still planning to attend.
Lady B: He is so unpleasant, and always up to no good…. He reminds me of you, darling.
Lord B: Lady Bottomton! You are going to drive me to drink!
(Fifi arrives at just this time)
Fifi: Your gin and tonic, Lord Bottomton.
Lord B: (smiles at Fifi) Thank you, Fifi. You have outdone yourself this time.
Fifi: Why, thank you, Lord Bottomton. And may I say that your dinner jacket is so fashionable. It suits you so well.
Lord B: Thank you, Fifi. (takes a sip of his drink) Mmmm. Perfect. You are a delight to the eyes and the mouth…
Fifi: Oh, Lord Bottomton. Ooooh la la.
Lord B: You know, FiFi, you’ve been doing a lot of cleaning out here. Perhaps there is something that might need a quick going over in my front parlor.
Fifi: Well, Lord Bottomton, if you need something polished, I’d be happy to help.
Lord B: Well, now that you mention it, I…
Lady B: AHEM! Fifi, I think that I need to have words with Lord Bottomton. Would you please go clean the kitchen AND DON’T POLISH ANYTHING!
Fifi: Yes, Lady Bottomton.
(Fifi exits)
Lord B: I’ll go help you.
Lady B: You’ll wait right here. We have to talk.
Lord B: Dear, please don’t tell me that you’re jealous of Fifi. There’s nothing between us. I swear.
Lady B: I’m certain that you want there to be …nothing… between the two of you. No walls. No clothes. No space…. But, I am your wife and as long as I am alive, I will not permit this scandal. I’m watching you!
Lord B: Are you plotting against me, dearest? Well, you may have forgotten that it takes two to hatch a scheme.
(Murry DeMorte enters)
Murry: I’m finally here. Oh, the storm (thunder crashes overlapping the rest of this sentence) is horrible. (Murry gives a look to the sound person.) The storm (thunder crashes overlapping the rest of this sentence) is horr… (pause) The storm (pause) is (thunder crashes overlapping the rest of this sentence) horrible.
Lord B: Ah, Murry DeMorte, my favorite nephew.
Murry: Your only nephew, you mean.
Lord B: Yes. My only nephew. Welcome to Table Manor.
<D>: (stage whispers to Lord B) Are we still calling it that? I thought we convinced him (indicates the director who is still backstage) that it was a stupid, unnecessary pun.
<A>: (panicked look, stage whispers) <D> we are live and surrounded by an audience. Stay in character for once in your life! (As Lord B.) Yes, Murry, welcome to Table Manor!
Lady B: Oh, Murry darling. I do hope that you had a good trip up. The roads must be so treacherous because of the storm (thunder crashes).
Murry: Oh Auntie, it is always good to see you. The roads were most treacherous up here in the country, but I made the most of it. And here I am safe and sound.
Lord B: And, Murry, I’m sure that your mother, my sister, the Dame Dee Ceased (Murry cringes at that name) will be so happy to see you. I’m sure she’ll be down soon.
<D>: (aside) With a name like that, I wouldn’t bet on it.
Lord B: I’m sorry, what was that?
Murry: I’m so sorry, Uncle Bottomton. How rude of me. How are you doing this fine evening?
Lord B: I am quite well, thank you.
Murry: And where is your better half?
Lord B: She’s right over there (indicates Lady B)
Murry: I was referring to Fifi. (Murry and Lady B share a laugh).
Lady B: See, husband of mine. People are already starting to talk behind your back.
Murry: To your face!
Lady B: People are talking behind your back to your very face! The Table Manor cannot abide this sort of scandal.
Murry: (aside) Yes, it is bad Table Manors to be sure. (to Lord B) Uncle, everyone knows about you and Fifi. It is quite the scandal.
Lord B: Well! I do not have to take this sort of innuendo. (exits)
(Lady B and Murry watch him leave, wait a moment to be sure and then…)
Lady B: Well, I think he’s out of earshot now.
Murry: Finally. How I hate that old coot.
Lady B: Oh, you and me, both, Murry. I almost wish he were… (pause)
Murry: dead?
Lady B: I didn’t want to say it aloud, but yes. If my philandering husband were dead, I would be free and happy. And Table Manor would be mine.
Murry: Oh, auntie, I don’t care about your Table Manor, but Uncle Lord Bottomton is my main rival for the inheritance from my mother, his sister, the Dame Dee Ceased.
Lady B: Who is sleeping peacefully upstairs.
Murry: (aside) of course she is.
Lady B: What was that, Murry?
Murry: Oh, I was just agreeing with you that she is certainly resting in peace… upstairs. But back to Lord Bottomton, I think we can agree that we both want him dead, correct?
Lady B: (pause) … Correct. Yes, I want him so dead. So very very dead!
<D>: What? (ranting to the audience) Very dead? How can you be very dead? You’re either dead or you’re not. You can’t be kinda dead or very dead. What does that even mean? (yelling to the director backstage) Your dialogue is awful! (a beat; collects himself) (back to Murry) Yes. I want him …very… dead too.
Lady B: But no matter how much we should wish it, Lord Bottomton remains alive.
Murry: Well, there may be something….
Lady B: Oh? What do you have in mind, darling?
Murry: Well, auntie, I happen to have here a dose of most potent poison. We slip this into his tea during dinner and …
Lady B: … and when he drinks it, Table Manor will be all mine! Oh Murry, you are a genius. That is a most excellent plan!
(Lord B enters with Fifi)
Lord B: Oh, what plan?
Lady B: Oh, um, well, Murry was just telling me of an excellent plan for serving dinner tonight.
Lord B: Dinner plans? Please. You were plotting against me, weren’t you?
Murry: Of course not, Uncle. Don’t be ridiculous.
Lady B: We would never plot against you, darling. (She goes up to Lord B) We just… wait! Is that lipstick on your collar? And why do you smell of French perfume?
Lord B: Oh, um, er.
Lady B: Fifi! You tramp! Lord Bottomton, I have warned you against fooling around with the help! And now you go and betray my trust like this. And here on the night of my big party! How could you?
Fifi: Madame, Lord Bottomton’s shirt collar was askew and I was merely helping him adjust it.
Lady B: Adjust it? How? With your lips? You French floozy! I’ll have you fired over this!
Lord B: It was an honest mistake, dearest. You are getting the wrong idea!
Lady B: Wrong idea? Wrong idea? I’ll give you a wrong idea, you stupid, two timing, backstabbing, cheating, lying, son of a …
(Inspector Giles enters)
Giles: Hello, is anybody home?
(all stop what they are doing and slowly turn their heads to face Inspector Giles)
Giles: I’m sorry. My car broke down near here and I found myself stranded. There is a terrible storm (crash of thunder) outside and I had to walk here in the pouring rain. I was just hoping that I could use your phone to call for vehicular aid and then I will be quite on my way.
(a beat)
Giles: I say, is everybody ok?
Lord B: Pardon us. You caught us at an … inopportune … moment.
Lady B: Yes. Yes. We are very sorry about that … I’m sorry. I don’t think that we caught your name.
(director enters and sits in their chair)
Giles: Quite sorry. I am Inspector Giles of the Yard. (director squees quietly to self) A pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Lord B: Likewise Inspector Giles, I am Lord Bottomton, and this is my lovely wife, Lady Bottomton.
Giles: A pleasure to make your acquaintance. (to Murry) And you, sir?
Murry: Oh, nobody important. Aunty, why don’t you show the Inspector to the telephones so he can be on his way?
Lord B: Oh, no need to bother your aunt. Fifi and I will show him. Come along, Fifi.
Fifi: Yes, Lord Bottomton.
Lady B: Oh no, you don’t! I am not letting the two of you go off together again. I will go with you to the telephones, my darling husband. Fifi, stay here and keep (she makes like she is about to say Murry’s name, but he motions her to not say it.) … keep nobody important here company.
Fifi: Yes, Lady Bottomton.
(Lord B, Lady B, and Giles exit)
Murry: “Yes, Lord Bottomton.” “Yes, Lady Bottomton.” How do you stand it, Fifi?
Fifi: Well, it’s a living. Plus there are … benefits to working for Lord Bottomton.
Murry: I’m sure there are… At least for him. Not so sure about you though. Do you love him, Fifi?
Fifi: Love him? Of course not. I only love his money.
Murry: Not his money, of course, his sister’s.
Fifi: Ah, the Dame Dee Ceased. Yes, she does control the purse strings in this household. But when she dies, then Lord Bottomton will have it all and he will run away with me, and we will see the world, and that will make me very happy.
Murry: To be with Lord Bottomton?
Fifi: To be away from Lady Bottomton.
Murry: Ah, of course. But Fifi, what about me?
Fifi: You? You’re able to leave your aunt’s house any time you want.
Murry: No. No. I mean, what if instead of my idiot Uncle, I inherited all of my mother’s money?
Fifi: You? Don’t make me laugh. She hates you. You know what she says about you when you are not here? Criminal, thief, ne’er-do-well, womanizer…
Murry: Well, you know some of that is true. You do remember those nights all those years ago, back in Paris?
Fifi: Ahhh, Pareee. I do remember it well. Those nights were magical.
Murry: And we could have that magic again, dear Fifi.
Fifi: But how? You have no money, and I am a woman with certain … needs.
Murry: Needs?
Fifi: Oh, you know, furs, jewelry, expensive perfumes…
Murry: Ah, well, what if I told you that I had a plan that will allow you to live with me in the life you’d like to become accustomed?
Fifi: What sort of plan?
Murry: Well, I have a little jar in my pocket and if I slip the contents of it into Lord Bottomton’s tea during dinner, well, he will be no more and then my mother will have no choice but to award me my well-deserved inheritance.
Fifi: Oh, that sort of plan. Magnifique.
Murry: Yes, and once uncle drinks the pois…
(Inspector Giles and Lord Bottomton enter)
…poise and grace, Fifi. You walk with so much poise and grace.
Fifi: Oh thank you, Monsieur. (stage whisper) nice save.
Murry: (stage whisper) Thanks. (to Giles) And what did they say about your car, inspector? Will you be able to leave soon?
Giles: Well, unfortunately, it looks like they will not be able to send anyone around to fix it until tomorrow.
Lord Bottomton: Well, never you mind, Inspector Giles. We have plenty of rooms here at the manor. We would welcome you to spend the night.
Giles: That is very kind of you, Lord Bottomton. I hate to be a bother.
Lord Bottomton: Oh, it is no bother. We had a grand dinner party all planned but most of our guests cancelled because of the storm.
(a beat. All turn to look expectantly at the sound person.)
Lord Bottomton: (firmly) The. Storm. (sound person rolls their eyes and presses a button. There is a crash of thunder. All go back to character).
Fifi: Can I fetch you a drink Inspector Giles?
Giles: Oh, just water please. I never drink liquor when on duty.
Murry: Duty? Are you here to arrest someone?
Giles: Oh no, not here. But I am on the trail of the Islington Forger, a reprobate of the highest caliber. He was last seen passing phony bank notes a few miles from here… Say, you do look awfully familiar. Have we met?
Murry: Oh. Oh no. I’m certain I would have remembered meeting you before, Inspector Giles.
Giles: And what was your name again?
Lord Bottomton: Oh, how rude of me. (during the next sentence, Murry tries to use hand gestures to get Lord B to stop) This is my nephew, Murry DeMorte.
Giles: Murry DeMorte?
Murry: Pleased to meet you, Inspector.
Giles: Are you certain we haven’t met? Your name seems awfully familiar.
Murry: Oh yes, I’m sure we have never met.
(Fifi returns with water)
Fifi: Your water, inspector.
Giles: Thank you… Hm, I don’t think I caught your name either.
Lord B: Ah, Inspector Giles, may I introduce our housemaid, Fifi LaWowwow.
Giles: Charmed.
<D>: (dropping character) LaWowwow? Your last name is LaWowwow? Seriously? He stuck a La in front of Wow wow and called it French?
<E>: (stage whisper) <D>, we are on stage. In front of an audience. Can you please just stay in character? (As Fifi, to Giles) It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance Inspector. (he kisses her hand)
Lord B: Hm, yes, Fifi. Maybe you ought to make sure we have an extra plate for dinner. I’m not certain that Lady Bottomton has remembered to tell the cook.
Fifi: Yes, of course, Lord Bottomton.
(Fifi exits)
Lord B: Well, Inspector, please feel free to make yourself comfortable. Is there anything we can get you?
Giles: Well, if you have a…
(Fifi screams from offstage, and then comes running onstage and has an urgent conversation with the director who she then drags offstage. The next few lines happen during it, with the actors obviously distracted by the goings on with Fifi and the director)
Giles: Yes… if you have an… extra… pajamas… and a… um… slippers.
Lord B: I’m… certain that… we can… find you some….
<D>: What is going on back there?
(muffled noises of people talking can be heard from backstage, but the mikes are cut this time. The actors are distracted, trying to figure out what is going on)
Giles: Yes. Right. Well, thank you very much. I do appreciate your hospitality.
Lord B: Of course, Inspector Giles. Our Manor…. Table is your Table… of… Contents...
<D>: Table Manor.
Lord B: What?
<D>: (completely dropping all pretense of character) Table Manor. The name of this place is Table Manor, and it’s ridiculous too. A stupid play on words for the sake of making a stupid play on words. It isn’t even meaningful. And another thing…
(Director bursts onstage)
Director: Excuse me for breaking in here, but do we have a medical professional in the audience?
<audience volunteer>: Yes, I’m a <doctor/nurse/whatever>
Director: Could you please come backstage with me for a moment? Everything is ok, folks. Let’s get on with the show.
(Director begins taking the audience volunteer backstage, but as he gets to the door, <F> comes out)
Director: I thought I asked you to stay backstage.
<E>: I’m not going to stay one more moment backstage with … that.
Director: Fine. Whatever. (to audience volunteer) Please come with me.
(they go backstage; Fifi remains onstage, but tries to be inconspicuous, hiding behind set awkwardly)
Inspector Giles: So, your girl Fifi?
Lord B: Oh, yes, Fifi, she should be back soon.
Murry: What about her?
Giles: Well, she does have quite the striking figure.
Lord B: Yes she does… I mean… oh, does she?
Murry: Yes, yes, she does.
Giles: Do you know if she is seeing anyone?
Murry: Why, do you want to court her?
Giles: Well, the life of an Inspector can be a lonely one.
Murry: Well, uncle, is Fifi seeing anyone? Anyone at all?
Lord B: And how would I know that? I’m her employer, not her chaperone.
Murry: Of course, uncle. How would you know? I guess, Inspector Giles, we’ll just have to wait until Fifi comes back and then you can ask her.
Lord B: What, here and now?
Murry: In fact, maybe you should ask her in front of my uncle, since he seems to know so little of Fifi’s love life. Why, I think that would be educational for all.
Lord B: Murry, that’s enough. I care greatly for Fifi, and I will not stand for you talking about her behind her back.
(The director comes onstage wearing Lady B’s wig, or hat or scarf or something. )
Director: Darling, we’re back, darling, and Fifi has something to say… darling…
Fifi: Oh, Dinner is served.
<A>: (To the director) What?
Director: Just go with it.
Fifi: Dinner is served.
Lord B: Wonderful. Let’s retire to the dining room, where we shall have a feast, and our guests (indicating the audience) can have one too. Then back here for brandy and cigars.
(all exit; wait for applause to end)
<C>: What is going on?
<D>: Why did you drag an audience member backstage?
<A>: What is wrong with <B>? She isn’t moving.
<E>: She’s dead.
<A>, <C>, and <D>: What?
Director: Keep it down! The audience might be able to hear us! I’m going to go out there and calm the crowd and you will wait here.
<D>: With a corpse?
Director: With a corpse! Come on, be professional for once in your life.
(director enters)
Director: Ah, Ladies and Gentlemen. I do hope that you enjoyed Act 1 of The Case of the Mysterious Cravat, An Inspector Giles Murder Mystery. Unfortunately, there has been a small, minor, inconsequential … incident… back stage, nothing to worry about. We are actors, and we are professionals, and our credo is: the show must go on! We’re going to take a brief intermission to allow you to eat dinner and we will be back soon with Act 2. Thank you!
(director hurries back stage)
CURTAIN
(During intermission, <E> should talk privately with audience member, then audience member will be instructed to return to her seat and may tell people <B> is dead, probably poisoned, and that they’ve already called the police.)
END PERUSAL COPY OF CASE OF THE MYSTERIOUS CRAVAT
The Case of the Mysterious Cravat
An Inspector Giles Murder Mystery
Written by Michael K. Young
Copyright 2018 by Michael J. Young
Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that THE CASE OF THE MYSTERIOUS CRAVAT is subject to royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, the British Commonwealth including Canada and all other countries of the Copyright Union.
All inquiries concerning performance rights for THE CASE OF THE MYSTERIOUS CRAVAT may be directed to the author:
Mike Young
911 Charlotte St.
Longwood, FL 32750
Email: mike@interactivitiesink.com
Or the agent:
Scott Cherney
1189 NE 89th Ave. #314
Hillsboro, OR 97006
E-mail: writtenbysc@gmail.com
Cast of Characters (in order of appearance)
Note: This is a play within a play. The actors play characters with their same names, and are thus referred to by single letters. The actor characters play characters in the play within the play.
Director- Equal parts narcissistic and neurotic, he is everyone’s worst case in a director. He will desperately try to get control when things go wrong.
<B>- A conniving manipulative crafty older woman who has been throwing her influence around and making lots of enemies. She has been acting forever. She portrays Lady Bottomton, an older, proper, English wife. She hates her husband and she wants to see the world, but he refuses to travel. She sees him as an anchor around her neck, stuck in the provincial countryside. She has invited a host of people in to kill him off.
<C>-- A relatively new actor to the scene, but quite talented. However, it is later revealed that he also had an affair with <B>. He is not that bright. Portrays Inspector Giles, a brilliant detective who happens to be vacationing in the country. His motorcar broke down nearby and stopped by to use the phone.
<A>- He has quite the history with <B>. They are a divorced couple, a fact revealed in the second act. Really dislike <C> and <D> too. He portrays Lord Bottomton , a stuffy older English gentleman. He is retired army and is living comfortably in the countryside with his wife. However, he has secrets and is hated by his wife and nephew.
<D>- A sarcastic hothead who has had arguments with the director and with <B>. He will point out Every. Single. Trope in this murder mystery. He portrays Murry DeMorte, an obvious villain. Lord Bottomton’s disreputable nephew who is his sole surviving heir (after Lady Bottomton). He has come to Table Manor to try to gain the inheritance of his mother, Dame Dee Ceased.
<E>- A sophisticated actress who thinks she is better than all this. She is the levelheaded one who will keep things on track. She is also much smarter than her character. As it turns out, she’s also a policewoman. She portrays FiFi LaWowwow, a ditzy French Maid with whom Lord Bottomton is carrying on an affair. But is she just using him for his money?
Location: This is a play within a play, so the location is wherever the play is actually being held. But the location of the play within the play is the drawing room of venerable Table Manor, a well-kept, but older British manor house in the country.
This is an interactive script allowing for audience participation with scripted lines that can be provided to select participants prior to curtain or during the intermission.
ACT 1
(lines in italics are said from backstage, but with the microphones on so the audience can hear them)
(Director enters backstage)
Director: OK, we have about 1 minute. And don’t worry. The mikes are off and they can’t hear a word we say backstage.
<B>: (sarcastic) Darling, you’re here. Wonderful.
<C>: How is the audience? Is it a full house?
<B>: Oh never ask that, it’s bad luck. Besides, if there’s nobody there, we can blame it on the script, and if it’s a full house they are there to see me, naturally.
<A>: (sarcastically) Naturally.
<B>: Well, darling, it’s not like they are here to see you, is it?
<D>: Would you two stop it? You’re fighting like an old married couple.
<C>: <B>, I am so nervous, I’m parched. Could I get a sip from your water bottle?
<B>: Oh no. This is mine and I never share. There is some water over there.
<A>: Don’t worry <C>. I know this is your first show, there is nothing to worry about.
<B>: Yes, trust me. I’ve been in a lot of shows and as long as I’m around, nothing will go wrong.
Director <B> Could you tone it down just a little? We’re supposed to be one happy family.
<B>: Darling, we are clearly the most dysfunctional family since the Manson family. I’m not going to stop; this is my only chance to enjoy myself tonight. Once the show starts, I have to read your lines and my day just goes downhill from there.
Director: Fine. Whatever. I’m going to go out there and start the show. Are we all ready?
<A>: As ready as we can be, I suppose.
<B>: You know, darling, there is still time to save face. Go out there and refund their money and send them all home.
Director: What? No! My play is a masterpiece. Besides, they came all this way to see it. If I send them home, they’ll be furious!
<B>: Not as furious as they’ll be if they do see it, darling.
Director: Why do you have to be so mean? This is my big break. I… I’m going out there and starting the show. Try to act like you enjoy it.
<B>: Of course, darling, we’re actors. It’s what we do.
Director: And remember… once I go through that door, all our microphones are live. So, be quiet. We don’t want the audience to hear what we’re saying backstage.
(Director enters)
The Director: Hello. Hello and welcome to The Case of the Mysterious Cravat, an Inspector Giles Murder Mystery. This is the first Inspector Giles Murder Mystery, which I wrote. And directed. But if this goes well, I have at least 6 more in my head. Wait! Seven? Oh, that’s a good one. I have seven more Inspector Giles murder mysteries, which I cannot wait to present to you.
Oh, hello, by the way. My name is <name>, the writer and director of the show. I do hope you enjoy the show, but before we start, I have a few important announcements. (during the previous line, FiFi enters and starts dusting, and flirting with the audience). First, there is no smoking …
(Director notices <E> and goes over to stage whisper to her)
What are you doing?
<E>: You said “enjoy the show.” That’s my cue.
Director: I wasn’t finished making my announcements! They need to know about the emergency exits!
<E>: Well, it isn’t my fault you said my cue line early.
Director: Well, get backstage and wait for me to be finished.
(<E> exits. Director turns back to the audience.)
Director: Sorry about that. A minor issue. It won’t happen again. Now, where were we? Oh yes, first, there is no smoking in the (auditorium, restaurant, whatever). Next, the emergency exits are there and there. The bathrooms are to the back (or wherever). The first act will last about half an hour, then we’ll take a break for dinner, and then we’ll have act two.
And I wrote it all, the whole play! It is going to be interesting, exciting, and thrilling. And maybe you, yes you, you might actually solve the murder. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the show!
(Director makes a big sweeping bow and then returns to their seat. Nothing happens for a few seconds. Director runs back to the center stage and repeats:)
Enjoy the show!
(a beat. Nothing)
(yelling) ENJOY THE SHOW!
(a beat. nothing. Director runs to the backstage area, clearly frustrated)
Director: <E> You’re on. Didn’t you hear me?
<E>: You told me to wait for you to be finished. How was I supposed to know when you were finished? You changed the cues.
Director: Why are you so difficult to work with? I! Am! Finished!
<B>: You certainly are, darling. I think your mike is live. The audience can hear you.
Director: What?
<B>: Oh yes, darling, the audience can totally hear you.
Director: (stage whisper) You! Get… on… stage…
(Fifi enters and starts dusting, angrily, maybe eventually dusting an audience member.)
Fifi: Zut alors. So much work to do to get the manor cleaned up for ze guests. Lord and Lady Bottomton were going to have a big party, but thanks to the storm outside (thunder crash)… well only their disreputable nephew Murry DeMorte will be showing up.
And this was to be the night, too, when Lord Bottomton’s elderly sister, Dame Dee Ceased, was to announce which of her relatives was to receive her vast fortune. Would it be her younger brother and his wife, or would it be her son Murry DeMorte? I suppose we can still find out, and of course, I, Fifi LaWowwow have to do all the cleaning around here.
(from offstage)
Lord Bottomton: Lady Bottomton,I feel we need to get downstairs soon.
Lady Bottomton: Why my darling Lord Bottomton, what is the hurry?
Lord Bottomton: The dinner party! It is important that we be on time for the guests.
Lady Bottomton: Really? When have you ever been on time for anything in your life? You are always late for dinner, and – all too often – you are premature.
Lord Bottomton: That was totally uncalled for. As head of the household, I deserve your respect.
Lady Bottomton: Respect has to be earned, darling, and that means you have a lot of work to do.
Fifi: Listen to that arguing. I suppose Lord and Lady Bottomton will be downstairs soon. I better get to ze cleaning.
(Fifi dusts some more as Lord and Lady Bottomton enter)
Lord B: I am just saying that maybe you could appreciate a roof over your head.
Lady B: I do appreciate the roof, and the walls, and the floor. It’s just some of the occupants that trouble me.
Lord B: With a wife like you, it’s a wonder I’m still here.
Lady B: With a husband like you, it’s a wonder you’re still here, too.
Lord B: Harrumph. I was in the war, you know. I need a drink! Fifi!
(Fifi goes to fetch a drink)
Lady B: All I’m saying is that I want to travel. I don’t want to be cooped up in this small country manor.
Lord B: I wish you’d fly the coop too, but I did enough travelling in the war. I’m retired!
Lady B: You’re retired and retiring, and I’m tired of it. We are in our golden years, and it is time to see the world!
Lord B: I want to rest here in peace and quiet!
Lady B: Oh, I want you to be resting in peace, too.
Lord B: Regardless, even if I wanted to travel – which I do not – we cannot afford it. Maybe after my sister, the Dame Dee Ceased, passes on and leaves us her fortune, we could travel. But until then, you will just have to be satisfied with our home sweet home.
Lady B: Our home sweet home is suffocating me.
Lord B: (aside) One can only hope. (to Lady B) Well, that is too bad, but perhaps dinner tonight can encourage you to think of our home.
Lady B: Are we still having a dinner party? Everyone has cancelled because of the storm. (thunder crashes).
Lord B: Not everyone.
Lady B: You don’t mean? Oh, not him.
Lord B: Yes, my disreputable nephew, Murry DeMorte, is still planning to attend.
Lady B: He is so unpleasant, and always up to no good…. He reminds me of you, darling.
Lord B: Lady Bottomton! You are going to drive me to drink!
(Fifi arrives at just this time)
Fifi: Your gin and tonic, Lord Bottomton.
Lord B: (smiles at Fifi) Thank you, Fifi. You have outdone yourself this time.
Fifi: Why, thank you, Lord Bottomton. And may I say that your dinner jacket is so fashionable. It suits you so well.
Lord B: Thank you, Fifi. (takes a sip of his drink) Mmmm. Perfect. You are a delight to the eyes and the mouth…
Fifi: Oh, Lord Bottomton. Ooooh la la.
Lord B: You know, FiFi, you’ve been doing a lot of cleaning out here. Perhaps there is something that might need a quick going over in my front parlor.
Fifi: Well, Lord Bottomton, if you need something polished, I’d be happy to help.
Lord B: Well, now that you mention it, I…
Lady B: AHEM! Fifi, I think that I need to have words with Lord Bottomton. Would you please go clean the kitchen AND DON’T POLISH ANYTHING!
Fifi: Yes, Lady Bottomton.
(Fifi exits)
Lord B: I’ll go help you.
Lady B: You’ll wait right here. We have to talk.
Lord B: Dear, please don’t tell me that you’re jealous of Fifi. There’s nothing between us. I swear.
Lady B: I’m certain that you want there to be …nothing… between the two of you. No walls. No clothes. No space…. But, I am your wife and as long as I am alive, I will not permit this scandal. I’m watching you!
Lord B: Are you plotting against me, dearest? Well, you may have forgotten that it takes two to hatch a scheme.
(Murry DeMorte enters)
Murry: I’m finally here. Oh, the storm (thunder crashes overlapping the rest of this sentence) is horrible. (Murry gives a look to the sound person.) The storm (thunder crashes overlapping the rest of this sentence) is horr… (pause) The storm (pause) is (thunder crashes overlapping the rest of this sentence) horrible.
Lord B: Ah, Murry DeMorte, my favorite nephew.
Murry: Your only nephew, you mean.
Lord B: Yes. My only nephew. Welcome to Table Manor.
<D>: (stage whispers to Lord B) Are we still calling it that? I thought we convinced him (indicates the director who is still backstage) that it was a stupid, unnecessary pun.
<A>: (panicked look, stage whispers) <D> we are live and surrounded by an audience. Stay in character for once in your life! (As Lord B.) Yes, Murry, welcome to Table Manor!
Lady B: Oh, Murry darling. I do hope that you had a good trip up. The roads must be so treacherous because of the storm (thunder crashes).
Murry: Oh Auntie, it is always good to see you. The roads were most treacherous up here in the country, but I made the most of it. And here I am safe and sound.
Lord B: And, Murry, I’m sure that your mother, my sister, the Dame Dee Ceased (Murry cringes at that name) will be so happy to see you. I’m sure she’ll be down soon.
<D>: (aside) With a name like that, I wouldn’t bet on it.
Lord B: I’m sorry, what was that?
Murry: I’m so sorry, Uncle Bottomton. How rude of me. How are you doing this fine evening?
Lord B: I am quite well, thank you.
Murry: And where is your better half?
Lord B: She’s right over there (indicates Lady B)
Murry: I was referring to Fifi. (Murry and Lady B share a laugh).
Lady B: See, husband of mine. People are already starting to talk behind your back.
Murry: To your face!
Lady B: People are talking behind your back to your very face! The Table Manor cannot abide this sort of scandal.
Murry: (aside) Yes, it is bad Table Manors to be sure. (to Lord B) Uncle, everyone knows about you and Fifi. It is quite the scandal.
Lord B: Well! I do not have to take this sort of innuendo. (exits)
(Lady B and Murry watch him leave, wait a moment to be sure and then…)
Lady B: Well, I think he’s out of earshot now.
Murry: Finally. How I hate that old coot.
Lady B: Oh, you and me, both, Murry. I almost wish he were… (pause)
Murry: dead?
Lady B: I didn’t want to say it aloud, but yes. If my philandering husband were dead, I would be free and happy. And Table Manor would be mine.
Murry: Oh, auntie, I don’t care about your Table Manor, but Uncle Lord Bottomton is my main rival for the inheritance from my mother, his sister, the Dame Dee Ceased.
Lady B: Who is sleeping peacefully upstairs.
Murry: (aside) of course she is.
Lady B: What was that, Murry?
Murry: Oh, I was just agreeing with you that she is certainly resting in peace… upstairs. But back to Lord Bottomton, I think we can agree that we both want him dead, correct?
Lady B: (pause) … Correct. Yes, I want him so dead. So very very dead!
<D>: What? (ranting to the audience) Very dead? How can you be very dead? You’re either dead or you’re not. You can’t be kinda dead or very dead. What does that even mean? (yelling to the director backstage) Your dialogue is awful! (a beat; collects himself) (back to Murry) Yes. I want him …very… dead too.
Lady B: But no matter how much we should wish it, Lord Bottomton remains alive.
Murry: Well, there may be something….
Lady B: Oh? What do you have in mind, darling?
Murry: Well, auntie, I happen to have here a dose of most potent poison. We slip this into his tea during dinner and …
Lady B: … and when he drinks it, Table Manor will be all mine! Oh Murry, you are a genius. That is a most excellent plan!
(Lord B enters with Fifi)
Lord B: Oh, what plan?
Lady B: Oh, um, well, Murry was just telling me of an excellent plan for serving dinner tonight.
Lord B: Dinner plans? Please. You were plotting against me, weren’t you?
Murry: Of course not, Uncle. Don’t be ridiculous.
Lady B: We would never plot against you, darling. (She goes up to Lord B) We just… wait! Is that lipstick on your collar? And why do you smell of French perfume?
Lord B: Oh, um, er.
Lady B: Fifi! You tramp! Lord Bottomton, I have warned you against fooling around with the help! And now you go and betray my trust like this. And here on the night of my big party! How could you?
Fifi: Madame, Lord Bottomton’s shirt collar was askew and I was merely helping him adjust it.
Lady B: Adjust it? How? With your lips? You French floozy! I’ll have you fired over this!
Lord B: It was an honest mistake, dearest. You are getting the wrong idea!
Lady B: Wrong idea? Wrong idea? I’ll give you a wrong idea, you stupid, two timing, backstabbing, cheating, lying, son of a …
(Inspector Giles enters)
Giles: Hello, is anybody home?
(all stop what they are doing and slowly turn their heads to face Inspector Giles)
Giles: I’m sorry. My car broke down near here and I found myself stranded. There is a terrible storm (crash of thunder) outside and I had to walk here in the pouring rain. I was just hoping that I could use your phone to call for vehicular aid and then I will be quite on my way.
(a beat)
Giles: I say, is everybody ok?
Lord B: Pardon us. You caught us at an … inopportune … moment.
Lady B: Yes. Yes. We are very sorry about that … I’m sorry. I don’t think that we caught your name.
(director enters and sits in their chair)
Giles: Quite sorry. I am Inspector Giles of the Yard. (director squees quietly to self) A pleasure to make your acquaintance.
Lord B: Likewise Inspector Giles, I am Lord Bottomton, and this is my lovely wife, Lady Bottomton.
Giles: A pleasure to make your acquaintance. (to Murry) And you, sir?
Murry: Oh, nobody important. Aunty, why don’t you show the Inspector to the telephones so he can be on his way?
Lord B: Oh, no need to bother your aunt. Fifi and I will show him. Come along, Fifi.
Fifi: Yes, Lord Bottomton.
Lady B: Oh no, you don’t! I am not letting the two of you go off together again. I will go with you to the telephones, my darling husband. Fifi, stay here and keep (she makes like she is about to say Murry’s name, but he motions her to not say it.) … keep nobody important here company.
Fifi: Yes, Lady Bottomton.
(Lord B, Lady B, and Giles exit)
Murry: “Yes, Lord Bottomton.” “Yes, Lady Bottomton.” How do you stand it, Fifi?
Fifi: Well, it’s a living. Plus there are … benefits to working for Lord Bottomton.
Murry: I’m sure there are… At least for him. Not so sure about you though. Do you love him, Fifi?
Fifi: Love him? Of course not. I only love his money.
Murry: Not his money, of course, his sister’s.
Fifi: Ah, the Dame Dee Ceased. Yes, she does control the purse strings in this household. But when she dies, then Lord Bottomton will have it all and he will run away with me, and we will see the world, and that will make me very happy.
Murry: To be with Lord Bottomton?
Fifi: To be away from Lady Bottomton.
Murry: Ah, of course. But Fifi, what about me?
Fifi: You? You’re able to leave your aunt’s house any time you want.
Murry: No. No. I mean, what if instead of my idiot Uncle, I inherited all of my mother’s money?
Fifi: You? Don’t make me laugh. She hates you. You know what she says about you when you are not here? Criminal, thief, ne’er-do-well, womanizer…
Murry: Well, you know some of that is true. You do remember those nights all those years ago, back in Paris?
Fifi: Ahhh, Pareee. I do remember it well. Those nights were magical.
Murry: And we could have that magic again, dear Fifi.
Fifi: But how? You have no money, and I am a woman with certain … needs.
Murry: Needs?
Fifi: Oh, you know, furs, jewelry, expensive perfumes…
Murry: Ah, well, what if I told you that I had a plan that will allow you to live with me in the life you’d like to become accustomed?
Fifi: What sort of plan?
Murry: Well, I have a little jar in my pocket and if I slip the contents of it into Lord Bottomton’s tea during dinner, well, he will be no more and then my mother will have no choice but to award me my well-deserved inheritance.
Fifi: Oh, that sort of plan. Magnifique.
Murry: Yes, and once uncle drinks the pois…
(Inspector Giles and Lord Bottomton enter)
…poise and grace, Fifi. You walk with so much poise and grace.
Fifi: Oh thank you, Monsieur. (stage whisper) nice save.
Murry: (stage whisper) Thanks. (to Giles) And what did they say about your car, inspector? Will you be able to leave soon?
Giles: Well, unfortunately, it looks like they will not be able to send anyone around to fix it until tomorrow.
Lord Bottomton: Well, never you mind, Inspector Giles. We have plenty of rooms here at the manor. We would welcome you to spend the night.
Giles: That is very kind of you, Lord Bottomton. I hate to be a bother.
Lord Bottomton: Oh, it is no bother. We had a grand dinner party all planned but most of our guests cancelled because of the storm.
(a beat. All turn to look expectantly at the sound person.)
Lord Bottomton: (firmly) The. Storm. (sound person rolls their eyes and presses a button. There is a crash of thunder. All go back to character).
Fifi: Can I fetch you a drink Inspector Giles?
Giles: Oh, just water please. I never drink liquor when on duty.
Murry: Duty? Are you here to arrest someone?
Giles: Oh no, not here. But I am on the trail of the Islington Forger, a reprobate of the highest caliber. He was last seen passing phony bank notes a few miles from here… Say, you do look awfully familiar. Have we met?
Murry: Oh. Oh no. I’m certain I would have remembered meeting you before, Inspector Giles.
Giles: And what was your name again?
Lord Bottomton: Oh, how rude of me. (during the next sentence, Murry tries to use hand gestures to get Lord B to stop) This is my nephew, Murry DeMorte.
Giles: Murry DeMorte?
Murry: Pleased to meet you, Inspector.
Giles: Are you certain we haven’t met? Your name seems awfully familiar.
Murry: Oh yes, I’m sure we have never met.
(Fifi returns with water)
Fifi: Your water, inspector.
Giles: Thank you… Hm, I don’t think I caught your name either.
Lord B: Ah, Inspector Giles, may I introduce our housemaid, Fifi LaWowwow.
Giles: Charmed.
<D>: (dropping character) LaWowwow? Your last name is LaWowwow? Seriously? He stuck a La in front of Wow wow and called it French?
<E>: (stage whisper) <D>, we are on stage. In front of an audience. Can you please just stay in character? (As Fifi, to Giles) It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance Inspector. (he kisses her hand)
Lord B: Hm, yes, Fifi. Maybe you ought to make sure we have an extra plate for dinner. I’m not certain that Lady Bottomton has remembered to tell the cook.
Fifi: Yes, of course, Lord Bottomton.
(Fifi exits)
Lord B: Well, Inspector, please feel free to make yourself comfortable. Is there anything we can get you?
Giles: Well, if you have a…
(Fifi screams from offstage, and then comes running onstage and has an urgent conversation with the director who she then drags offstage. The next few lines happen during it, with the actors obviously distracted by the goings on with Fifi and the director)
Giles: Yes… if you have an… extra… pajamas… and a… um… slippers.
Lord B: I’m… certain that… we can… find you some….
<D>: What is going on back there?
(muffled noises of people talking can be heard from backstage, but the mikes are cut this time. The actors are distracted, trying to figure out what is going on)
Giles: Yes. Right. Well, thank you very much. I do appreciate your hospitality.
Lord B: Of course, Inspector Giles. Our Manor…. Table is your Table… of… Contents...
<D>: Table Manor.
Lord B: What?
<D>: (completely dropping all pretense of character) Table Manor. The name of this place is Table Manor, and it’s ridiculous too. A stupid play on words for the sake of making a stupid play on words. It isn’t even meaningful. And another thing…
(Director bursts onstage)
Director: Excuse me for breaking in here, but do we have a medical professional in the audience?
<audience volunteer>: Yes, I’m a <doctor/nurse/whatever>
Director: Could you please come backstage with me for a moment? Everything is ok, folks. Let’s get on with the show.
(Director begins taking the audience volunteer backstage, but as he gets to the door, <F> comes out)
Director: I thought I asked you to stay backstage.
<E>: I’m not going to stay one more moment backstage with … that.
Director: Fine. Whatever. (to audience volunteer) Please come with me.
(they go backstage; Fifi remains onstage, but tries to be inconspicuous, hiding behind set awkwardly)
Inspector Giles: So, your girl Fifi?
Lord B: Oh, yes, Fifi, she should be back soon.
Murry: What about her?
Giles: Well, she does have quite the striking figure.
Lord B: Yes she does… I mean… oh, does she?
Murry: Yes, yes, she does.
Giles: Do you know if she is seeing anyone?
Murry: Why, do you want to court her?
Giles: Well, the life of an Inspector can be a lonely one.
Murry: Well, uncle, is Fifi seeing anyone? Anyone at all?
Lord B: And how would I know that? I’m her employer, not her chaperone.
Murry: Of course, uncle. How would you know? I guess, Inspector Giles, we’ll just have to wait until Fifi comes back and then you can ask her.
Lord B: What, here and now?
Murry: In fact, maybe you should ask her in front of my uncle, since he seems to know so little of Fifi’s love life. Why, I think that would be educational for all.
Lord B: Murry, that’s enough. I care greatly for Fifi, and I will not stand for you talking about her behind her back.
(The director comes onstage wearing Lady B’s wig, or hat or scarf or something. )
Director: Darling, we’re back, darling, and Fifi has something to say… darling…
Fifi: Oh, Dinner is served.
<A>: (To the director) What?
Director: Just go with it.
Fifi: Dinner is served.
Lord B: Wonderful. Let’s retire to the dining room, where we shall have a feast, and our guests (indicating the audience) can have one too. Then back here for brandy and cigars.
(all exit; wait for applause to end)
<C>: What is going on?
<D>: Why did you drag an audience member backstage?
<A>: What is wrong with <B>? She isn’t moving.
<E>: She’s dead.
<A>, <C>, and <D>: What?
Director: Keep it down! The audience might be able to hear us! I’m going to go out there and calm the crowd and you will wait here.
<D>: With a corpse?
Director: With a corpse! Come on, be professional for once in your life.
(director enters)
Director: Ah, Ladies and Gentlemen. I do hope that you enjoyed Act 1 of The Case of the Mysterious Cravat, An Inspector Giles Murder Mystery. Unfortunately, there has been a small, minor, inconsequential … incident… back stage, nothing to worry about. We are actors, and we are professionals, and our credo is: the show must go on! We’re going to take a brief intermission to allow you to eat dinner and we will be back soon with Act 2. Thank you!
(director hurries back stage)
CURTAIN
(During intermission, <E> should talk privately with audience member, then audience member will be instructed to return to her seat and may tell people <B> is dead, probably poisoned, and that they’ve already called the police.)
END PERUSAL COPY OF CASE OF THE MYSTERIOUS CRAVAT
