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Murder On the British Express
Written by Terry Smith
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ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
This play (the “Play”) is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, whether through bilateral or multilateral treaties or otherwise, and including, but not limited to, all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention, and the Berne Convention.
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Scott Cherney/Playwright Representative 1189 NE 89th Ave. #314 Hillsboro,OR 97006 writtenbysc@gmail.com
or the author:
Terry Smith
111 Peyton Road
Sterling, VA 20165
Character Motive
Sandy Dig
Archaeologist (F): Sandy is one of the few female archeologists in the world. She is an American with the style and grace of a southern belle but the grit of a Texas born woman. She was hired by Duchess Likelee to retrace an Egyptian map that was obtained by her husband, Major Likelee, during World War II. Sandy was able to decipher the clues on the map that led her to Imhotep’s resting place. There she found many priceless antiquities but none more valuable than Imhotep’s “Book of Medicine” and “The Book of the Dead”. Her brother/husband died at the Battle of Wernburg 16 days after the end of the war. All because, a Major wanted to make a name for himself. The Major was awarded a medal while 200 American and British soldiers lay dead needlessly. The Major’s name was Major Likelee.
Dr. Hyde was there when the investigation into the attack occurred and praised the Major for his valiant efforts in the battle. He was assigned to a clearing station.
Rumors that Sandy’s find is a fake.
Dr. Hazel/Harold Hyde
Medical Doctor (F/M) Dr. Hyde is trying to quietly leave the country. Scotland Yard has linked her to several deaths over the last year. She claims she was set up by someone of nobility – specifically Duchess Broadbottom. Not being of noble birth, she has to flee for her life. She has a hint of a German accent and served as a medical doctor in WWII. Over the last several months, three members of the Broadbottom family have died. All under unusual circumstances. You were their doctor at the time of their deaths. Your relationship to the Likelee family
Hemlock Holmes
Scotland Yard (M) Hemlock is an immigrant from Ireland and works as a Scotland Yard Inspector (Irish or Scottish accent). He is highly intelligent, extremely observant and perceptive to the point of clairvoyant. He is a fast talking no nonsense man. He is on the trail of an ingenious murderer who has killed many times. No motive, no timeline are yet understood. The trail has led him to this place, this time, and to these train. The deaths have been well planned – snake bite, beheading, car accident, drowning to name a few. He believes the killer or killers have been planning this for a long time. He is hoping he can find the killer before they kill again. Major Likely,
Duchess Knot Likelee (F) Duchess Likelee is a high brow old school British royal. She believes all are beneath her, carries herself as if she was the Queen of England. She makes no bones about who she is or how you are to treat her. She is rude, demanding and has a proper British accent.
Knot thought her troubles were over after her husband died until she learned that her husband hated her and left most of his wealth to their children, friends and some mistresses. She financed the expedition that located the tomb of the legendary Egyptian – Imhotep. Ever since the end of World War II, she has lived in the scrutiny of her husband’s actions. Although, honored by the military many in the public thought him reckless and cowardly. After her husband’s death, she financed the dig in an effort to regain some dignity for her family. She had to mortgage everything she owned. Now creditors want to be paid and everything depends on whether Sandy found what she said she had found…or is it fake?
Duchess needs money so she has talked to Shine about stealing the book and selling it on the black market.
Rocky Train (M-Conductor) You are the train conductor and you are responsible for the safety of everyone on the train. You know many things about many people since you have listened to many stories over the years. You are friendly but highly opinionated. Your speech is that of a classic butler. You do not care for royalty as you find them portentous. As a result, some people get upset when you speak badly about the crown. You are low born but your accent is English received pronunciation (RP) or BBC English. You are aware of the item that is being carried on the train by Sandy Dig.
You took a trip to Africa – reasons unknown.
Baroness Katheryn Summerskill A feminist who is fighting for equal rights and equal pay and believes in the redistribution of wealth. You serve as head of the “privy council” which advised the monarchy on matters of state affairs. Your specialty is women’s rights. You’re highly educated, articulate and will not tolerate insolent men or woman who behave badly. You will do anything to promote your agenda of making England a welfare state. She is playing a game with people lives and in the end hopes to break the chain of greed, deceit, and corruption that the Likelee family has brought to the British realm. I’m well spoken, passionate and a hint of a French accent. She grew up in France and moved to England in her early teens. The Likelee family has wealth and power and with that they work tirelessly to keep that which they have not earned.
AUDIENCE ROLES
Character Motive
Buck A. Neer (M/F):
Dies Act II: This is world renowned thief. He only takes the most difficult jobs and the highest pay. No one knows who he is and he is on Scotland’s yard most wanted list. His picture is a silhouette. He is a smooth talker, a master at misdirection and will create diversions – yes even kill – to get what he wants. He was paid to steal the medical journals that Viscount Cad Daver wanted.
Learned Viscount didn’t have money to pay him so decided to keep all the money for the theft to himself.
Duchess Slip Broadbottom (F)
Dies Act II: She is the sister of Duchess Likelee. She is single with no prospects due to her family name. She is bitter and only cares about money. Her husband died in the war. He was part of the unit the Major Likelee She is next in line to inherit the Likelee fortune or misfortune. If her sister, niece and nephew are out of the way she will get a big pay day.
Her husband was killed at the battle of Wernburg.
Shine Likelee (M)
Dies Act II: Shine Likelee is the son of the Duke Mighty Likelee. He is privileged and thinks his blood is blue. He talks with over the top diction and uses his hands as an orator. He is the owner of Cad Davar Safari. He has and Rain and Shine Tour Guides. Shine is the owner of Cad Daver Safari’s and is part owner of Rain or Shine Tours. He has borrowed money against the estate to finance his operations. He needs capital quickly so has hired Buck A. Neer to steal Imhotep’s Medical journal.
Rain Unlikely (F)
Dies Act I: Rain Unlikely is the daughter of Duke and Duchess Likelee. She was married to Captain Unlikely. Her husband passed away a few months back in a bizarre boating accident when his dinghy sank and was eaten by a crocodile. Establishes Likelee Family needs money. Dee Likelee was to inherit a large sum of money upon Major’s death.
Viscount Cad Daver (M)
Dies Act I: First Victim to be killed during the blackout. During the investigation of Major Likelee Cad Daver survived the assault and testified that the Major had received orders to make the attack. Upon Cad’s return, the Major granted Cad title and land. He participated in the cover up.
Was broke and needed money. Had hired a high end thief to steal the medical journal. But didn’t have the money to pay.
ACT ONE
Sound Cue: Pre-show music.
(Show Setup. No pre show introduction. The theater is decorated to look like a railroad dining car. The conductor enters the dining car about 10 minutes before the show starts and talks to the passengers.)
Rocky: (10 minutes before the show starts you enter. This is an adlib section. You walk from table to table asking for tickets and punch a hole in them. Talk about the weather, general English politics and sports from 1953. The director should be milling about. The conductor approaches the director and asks for a ticket which the director doesn’t have. The conductor throws the director off the train. The conductor turns around and says.) The train will be leaving in five minutes, five minutes the train will be leaving. (Talk to the audience. Ask them how they are doing.) By the way, if you want a drink the drink car is out that door. If you need the privy you must go through the drink car into the hall car.
Sandy: (Enters with her luggage and looks for Conductor. Seeing the conductor and approaches.) Rocky, Rocky Train you’re back. Did you have a nice holiday?
Rocky: Yes Madame, I did. Africa is very nice this time of year.
Sandy: Now Rocky, how many times must I tell you to call me Sandy?
Rocky: Continually Madame.
Sandy: Well, it’s an improvement.
Rocky: Yes Madame. I aim to please.
Sandy: I missed you!
Rocky: I missed you too, Madame. According to this morning’s paper this is a very big day for you isn’t it?
Sandy: Yes, very big.
Rocky: I want you to know that I personally made sure that the cargo has been securely loaded and is safe. (A little worried.) But I swear, Madame that I heard movement from within.
Sandy: Oh Rocky, don’t be silly.
Rocky: (Nervous.) I’m serious, Madame. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up straight. I’ve heard the stories!
Sandy: They’re just stories.
Rocky: Stories come from somewhere, Madame.
Sandy: Yes they do. And because of a story look at me now!
Rocky: Ah yes Madam. Riding first class this evening? A little unusual for someone who is so financially thrifty?
Sandy: The British museum of antiquities sent me a ticket - here. (Rocky takes the ticket and punches it.) Supposedly to reward me for my contribution to history.
Rocky: Sounds like bullocks to me Madame.
Sandy: True! But I am riding first class now aren’t I. (She picks up her luggage.)
Rocky: Here, here Madame. Jolly good! (Seeing her moving her luggage.) Do you need any assistance?
Sandy: No thank you Rocky. I just spent six months in Egypt, uncovered one of the greatest finds of our century, survived giant insects and smelly camels. I think I can manage my own luggage, thank you. (Sandy goes to put her luggage up. She is too short and can’t do it.)
Doctor: (Enters, looks around sees Sandy and Rocky talking. As Sandy moves away to put the luggage away the Doctor moves over to the conductor.) Is this the dining car?
Rocky: Yes it is, Madame/Sir.
Doctor: Then why is there luggage? (See’s Sandy having troubles putting up the luggage and goes to help.)
Rocky: It’s a progressive dining car, Madame/sir.
Doctor: Ahhh very funny. And where is the toilette?
Rocky: Through the door and on your right. Would you like me to stow your luggage, Madame/Sir?
Doctor: No! (Pulls medical bag very close to herself. Moves quickly away and makes no eye contact with anyone. She leaves to find the restroom.)
Rocky: Ladies and gentlemen…
Katheryn: (Entering seeing Rocky and quickly picking up the conversation. Gives him a kiss to on the check right-left.) Rocky. Oh Rocky. Welcome back from holiday. How was your trip to Africa?
Rocky: Good day Madame. My trip was wonderful. But I didn’t expect to see you. I thought you had gone to the colonies to fight for women’s rights or something?
Katheryn: I did but… (Looking around and seeing she has a captive audience for her cause.) Oh wait. I can never pass up the opportunity to further my cause.
Rocky: I can’t imagine you doing that Madame.
Katheryn: Everyone, I’m the Baroness Katheryn Summerskill, running for Parliament, and champion of equal rights for women.
Rocky: So Madame, what brought you back early?
Katheryn: Well, I heard how Parliament is once again shaming women back into their homes, I had to come back and set them straight.
Rocky: Careful Madame. You’re making some very dangerous enemies.
Katheryn: Our Parliament and our media are trying to brainwash the women of ….
Rocky: Madame, you don’t need to convince me.
Katheryn: (Surprised.) Rocky…you are indeed a visionary.
Rocky: Thank you, Madame. In my travels, I’ve come realize that men and women should be equal no matter their titles.
Doctor: (Re-enters.)
Katheryn: Rocky that vacation has changed you! You’re a different man.
Rocky: Perhaps Madame. Africa was, shall we say, very eye opening. (Looks over the audience. Trying to find Rain.)
Knot: (Sweeps in and summons the conductor.) You, you boy come here now!
Katheryn: Speaking of “old” ways that won’t die!!!!
Knot: Boy! I said come here.
Katheryn: If only they would. Tata for now.
Rocky: (To Katheryn.) Yes Madame. (Rocky walks over to Katheryn.) Good day Madame. How may I help you?
Knot: My name is Duchess Knot Likelee of Pine Castle. Do you understand what that means!?
Rocky: Yes, Madame! Another privileged royal! Ticket please.
Knot: I beg your pardon? What is your name?
Rocky: Rocky…Rocky Train – Madame.
Knot: Well, boy! My luggage is on the platform, so see to it.
Rocky: Your bloody luggage (Walk over and look out car door.) can stay on the platform. Madame! This is 1953 and the only luggage I handle is the Queens. (Pause looks her up and down.) And you, (sizing her up.) Madame are not the Queen. Ticket Please!
Knot: (Searches for her ticket.) Commoners!!!! Gone are the days where they heeded our every beck and call – day or night!
Rocky: Ticket please!
Knot: Commoners. No respect. Here. (Gives Ticket to Rocky.)
Rocky: Thank you, Madame.
Knot: (Knot takes ticket back. Rocky didn’t get to punch it.) Keep your thanks. My children were supposed to meet me. Have you seen them? (Looks at Rocky but Rocky is ignoring her.) It doesn’t matter. Rain or Shine stand up. I’m too old to play hide and seek.
Shine/Rain: (They both stand up.)
Knot: (To Shine.) Shine, be a dear and bring mummy’s bags! (It is possible the audience member Shine will try to follow Rocky. If this happens, Rocky still needs to get to
Rocky: (Seeing Rain brightens up. Turns to Shine.) Sir, don’t worry. I’ll show you where. (Walks over to Rain.) Rain Unlikelee isn’t it? (Gently spoken.) Please Miss (Rocky reaches out to Rain – almost touching – then pulls back remembering his station.) be seated.
Knot: Rain sit down. Shine! Don’t doddle and don’t tip any commoners. They should be grateful that I’m even riding in the same car as they are. (Knot moves to any seat with a person in it.)
Rocky: (To Shine.) Follow me sir.
Knot: (Just stands behind an audience member. Frustrated.) Rocky! Get over here now!
Rocky: (To Shine.) Sir please take your seat while I “deal” with she who must be obeyed. You summoned me Madame?
Knot: Well, what took you so long?
Rocky: I have no idea Madame. (Looking around trying to understand the problem but not seeing it.) What appears to be the problem?
Knot: This!
Rocky: (Looks around. Not seeing the problem.) What’s (Mocking Knot.) this?
Knot: This thing.
Rocky: I don’t see any… (Knot clearly frustrated cuts him off.)
Knot: This thing in front of me that is sitting in my seat!!!!!
Rocky: There are other seats, Madame.
Knot: This is my seat and I will have it.
Rocky: (To Knot.) Yes Madame. (To audience member.) I’m very sorry. Would you mind moving? (Pauses. To audience.) Hold on. (Back to Knot.) Madame…you do realize that this entire table is filled with…commoners!
Knot: I don’t understand? I specifically requested my own table.
Rocky: May I see your ticket again?
Knot: Oh for heavens sakes. Certainly. (Knot takes ticket out begins to hand it Rocky and then sees Sandy and walks off before handing the ticket to Rocky. Rocky walks slowly after her and keeps trying to get the ticket but failing.) Sandy Digs? Why on earth are you on this train and in first class?
Sandy: (Polite.) Duchess. (Rocky pulls out puncher.)
Knot: Why?
Sandy: It’s a pleasure to see you too?
Knot: Well, I’m sorry but I can’t say the same.
Sandy: Duchess, this is a big night for both of us.
Knot: I paid for everything!
Sandy: (Confronting.) My research found everything!
Knot: You’ve no right to profit…
Sandy: from our hard work? Why not?!
Knot: You almost ruined me.
Sandy: You were already ruined and I brought you back to life!
Knot: You’re trying to steal my dignity!
Sandy: I can’t steal what you don’t have!
Knot: The papers, the articles are all about you!
Katheryn: Will the two of you knock it off.
Sandy: Katheryn! Help me understand why you are here?
Katheryn: I was invited. I got a ticket from the museum.
Knot: You have nothing to do with this!
Katheryn: I disagree.
Knot: You’re one of those “feminists”.
Rocky: (Rocky should have gotten the ticket by this time.)
Katheryn: And you’re one those “elitist”.
Rocky: (To Knot) Pardon me. Your ticket is for a seat not a table. Might I encourage you to take a seat in another car – perhaps? I hear the caboose is nice this time of year…Madame!?
Knot: How dare you! Well I never. (Walks away from Rocky.)
Rocky: Yes Madame, perhaps you should?
Sandy: Rocky let her be. She doesn’t understand.
Rocky: Yes Madame.
Sandy: Now Katheryn. I understand why everyone else is here as they were part of the dig but you were not.
Katheryn: I don’t know why I got the ticket but once I did and I learned you were going to be on the train how could I resist. So in truth, I’m here for you.
Sandy: For me?
Katheryn: OUI!! You’re a female archeologist in a male dominated field and you’re finally getting the same recognition as a man. You could do so much to further women’s rights.
Knot: Rocky! Throw the feminist off the train!
Rocky: I can’t Madame.
Knot: I command you…
Rocky: Still not the Queen, Madame.
Knot: (Walks off mumbling.) Commoners! No respect! No breeding! Think they are equal.
Rocky: Alllllllllllll aboard!
SOUND CUE: TRAIN BEGINS TO MOVE.
Hemlock: (Jumps on to the train.)
Katheryn: Sandy, you have to understand you’re breaking barriers.
Rocky: (To Hemlock.) Cutting it a little close aren’t we sir?
Knot: The dig is the only thing that matters.
Rocky: Ticket please.
Katheryn: I agree but…
Sandy: Listen!
Hemlock: (Reaches into his pocket and flashes his badge.) Is all in order?
Sandy: I found Imhotep’s grave, his medical journals and a journal that described his life, plus the Book of Dead!
Rocky: (A little confused and surprised but a quick response.) Yes, sir. (Walks over to Katheryn.)
Hemlock: (Moves off to the side to observe.)
Katheryn: I know and it’s wonderful! But, that was 3000 years ago. I’m talking about today…now!
Rocky: Madame, what the Baroness is saying is that you have an opportunity to be a sliver of hope.
Katheryn: No Rocky! I can make her a beacon of hope for all the working and non-working woman in England! Hell in the world…even the colonies.
Sandy: Not interested!
Katheryn: But everything….
Knot: She said no!
Katheryn: I’m not talking to you!
Knot: You are now!
Katheryn: Sandy, why not?
Knot: Katheryn! She said no!
Katheryn: Listen you old windbag!
Knot: No you listen ….
LIGHT CUE: BLACK OUT
Knot: What happened to the lights? Rocky?
Everyone: (During the blackout Viscount Cad Daver dies. During the black out there is a lot of noise and yelling. Hemlock is telling everyone not to move. To remain seated. There is thunder and lightning. When lights come back up Viscount is face down on the table.)
LIGHT CUE: LIGHTS UP
Knot: Rocky!! I demand to know why the lights went out. This is England and the lights do not go out.
Rocky: (As a joke at first.) It’s the curse, Madame! The curse!
Katheryn: What curse?
Rocky: (Still joking.) The Curse of the Pharaoh, Madame!
Knot: That’s codswallop.
Rocky: No Madame. I beg to differ. According to legend anyone involved in disturbing an Egyptian tomb dies.
Knot: Bullocks!
Rocky: Look around Madame. There is a dining car filled with people who are just waiting to die…including you. It’s a mummy smorgasbord, Madame.
Sandy: (Seeing Viscount.) What’s wrong with him? (Sandy moves to Viscount.)
Katheryn: Drunk I imagine.
Knot: Commoners! Can’t hold their liquor!
Sandy: (Moves over and listens to see if he is dead or alive.) I don’t think he’s drunk.
Katheryn: What do you mean?
Sandy: He may be dead!
Knot: Is he faking it!
Katheryn: Are you speaking from experience!
Knot: Katheryn Summerskill! I’m going to….
Hemlock: Ladies! Stand back. (Starts to examine the body.)
Knot: Who are you?
Hemlock: Is there a Doctor in the house? (Looking at Doctor Hyde.) I’ve always wanted to say that. (Hyde comes over.)
Knot: Oh, if only my late husband Duke Mighty Likelee, the hero of “The battle of Wernberg”, was here. He’d know what to do.
Katheryn: Yes, and we we’d all be dead now wouldn’t we?!
Sandy: Knot, we all know the story.
Hemlock: What do you think Doctor?
Knot: A commoner, who cares!!!!
Hemlock: Madame! You’d care if it were Rain or Shine!
Knot: Of course, they’re noble! Exactly who are you, sir?
Hemlock: Hemlock Holmes, Madame. Chief Detective of Scotland Yard at your service.
Knot: I don’t need to be serviced by the likes of you, but it appears that commoner does.
Hemlock: Duchess Likelee! You’d do well to observe more and talk less. Allow me! (Hemlock gets the victim to raise his head.)
Knot: (Gasps.) Oh my giddy aunt. It’s the Viscount, Viscount Cad Daver!
Hemlock: So Madame, you know Viscount Cad Daver?
Knot: Yes! (Proudly.) He served with distinction and honor in my husband’s regiment.
Doctor: Hemlock? (Note: Uses first name as they have met before. Comes out later in the show.)
Katheryn: Didn’t he also testify at your husband court-martial?
Knot: Yes. Why?
Sandy: In your husband’s defense?!
Knot: Yes.
Hemlock: Madame, everyone here is well aware of your husband’s actions…
Knot: I remind…
Hemlock: Madame! Don’t interrupt me. Your husband commanded an attack on a fortified position after the war ended. Most of the boys didn’t come home.
Katheryn: And to top it off, the military gave him a medal to cover up his negligence!!!
Knot: How dare you insult the memory of my beloved husband!
Hemlock: My apologies Madame, but…
Doctor: Pardon my interruption, Mr. Holmes. But the Viscount is dead.
Rocky: You must be mistaken, sir. This is the British Railway System. People just don’t die. They have the dignity to get off first and then die.
Doctor: Well rest assured the British Railway’s dignity is still intact. Because he was murdered.
Everyone: (BIG GASP.)
Sandy: Murdered? I don’t understand. And why was Viscount even on the train?
Rocky: A very good observation, Madame. He’s rarely on the train but he did have a ticket.
Hemlock: Duchess. Since you and the Viscount are such “good” friends perhaps you know?
Knot: I don’t. But my daughter might. The Viscount was always very fond of Rain. Rain, darling can you stand up? (Adlib to get her to stand up.) Now be a dear, and answer the gentleman’s questions honestly - unless you need to lie to protect the family.
Hemlock: Rain, let me offer you my condolences about your recent husband’s death.
Rain: Thank you.
Sandy: You’re married?
Rain: Widowed…about a month now.
Katheryn: How?
Rain: It was a bizarre boating accident.
Katheryn: What happened?
Rain: His dinghy sank! (A little teary.)
Sandy: That’s common among men.
Hemlock: Now, Ms. Unlikely. Your husband was a Captain correct?
Rain: Yes.
Hemlock: And you were on holiday?
Rain: Yes. In Africa.
Hemlock: After his dinghy sank, he was consumed by a crocodile, I believe?
Rain: Yes. The only thing we found was his leg. (Boohoohoo)
Hemlock: I heard that you killed the crocodile that ate him.
Rain: I didn’t but the locals did.
Hemlock: Hyde isn’t that fascinating?
Doctor: (Sarcastic.) Riveting Hemlock. Simply riveting!
Hemlock: Rain? Is it true that they served the crocodile for dinner?
Rain: Yes.
Doctor: Hemlock? Doesn’t that mean she actually ate Captain Unlikely?
Hemlock: Doctor, I told you it was fascinating!
Doctor: But doesn’t that make her a cannibal?
Rain: Well sir, I guess technically you could look at it that way. But it was still very delicious despite my husband’s unpleasant disposition.
Doctor: Good gosh my lady, you actually swallowed him?
Rain: Yes. (Say this line smiling at Rocky.) And I didn’t choke once!!!
Knot: You ate your husband? How could you?
Rain: One bite at a time. And why should you care, mother? You’ve never gave a damn whether I lived or died. You only care about Shine; Viscount marrying me; and your family name!
Knot: That’s not true.
Rain: It is mother. Mr. Holmes I have nothing further to say except I would die before I married the Viscount. (Sit down.)
Hemlock: Lucky for you Madame, he died first.
Doctor: So Hemlock, what do you want to do with the body?
Hemlock: Rocky? Does the train have an ice car?
Rocky: Yes sir. Will the gentleman require one lump or two?
Hemlock: Two will do nicely.
Rocky: That was a joke sir.
Hemlock: (Matter of fact.) I know.
Rocky: Yes sir.
Hemlock: Now Doctor…
Doctor: (He has a blow dart in her pocket that she palms and picks up off the floor. She sees something on the floor next to him.) Hemlock, what do we have here?
Hemlock: Let me see that. (Looks at it closely.) It’s made of reed and is in remarkably good condition. There are carvings on the shaft. Would you care to translate Doctor? My Egyptian is not what it used to be.
Doctor: Sorry Hemlock, I don’t read Egyptian only Latin.
Hemlock: Sandy care to have a go at it. (Hands the dart to Sandy.)
Sandy: (Checking the dart.)
Hemlock: Well Miss Digs?
Sandy: This is impossible.
Hemlock: What is?
Sandy: It is from the Egyptian collection on the train!
Hemlock: Isn’t that under lock and key?
Sandy: Yes.
Katheryn: Does the dart have any significance?
Sandy: It’s the dart from inside Imhotep’s sarcophagus.
Katheryn: How can you possible know that?
Sandy: His name’s on it and its cataloged.
Katheryn: But how?
Sandy: I don’t know how!
Doctor: Hemlock come here and look at his neck. There is a small puncture wound just under the ear. (Hemlock moves to Doctor.)
Hemlock: Fascinating Doctor. What are those unusual streaks coming off the prick on his neck?
Katheryn: Do you think that dart has meaning for the killer?
Doctor: Let me take a closer look. (Begins to look at the streaks. Pulls out a journal and thumbs through some pages.)
Sandy: It must or why go to all the effort to steal it.
Hemlock: Did someone say steal?
Knot: (From across the room.) Pardon me. But Detective Holmes don’t you think you should search everyone for a long item that one can blow on!
Katheryn: No need to search you is there.
Knot: Whatever do you mean?
Katheryn: You haven’t seen anything like that in decades.
Knot: I don’t understand!
Rocky: Madame! Sir, if I may speculate.
Holmes: Rocky, your timing is impeccable, go ahead.
Rocky: Perhaps it’s an insect bite and the dart was dropped by a thief to throw us off the killer’s scent? (To Rain because he believes Rain killed the Viscount.) Or it might be as simple as a heart attack. People do die of a heart attack. (To Doctor.) Isn’t that right sir?
Doctor: You may be right about the heart attack but I believe it was induced by a poison.
Rocky: There is a way to find out, sir?
Katheryn: And what are you suggesting? (She moves to the train door.)
Rocky: We test it on the Duchess,…sir.
Knot: Rocky!
Rocky: Sorry Madame, I got caught up in the moment.
Knot: Commoners. We’d be better off without them.
Rocky: If you say so Madame!
Hemlock: However, Rocky is right. We can test the dart for poison can’t we Doctor Hyde?
Doctor: Yes! I was checking my journal and I have an idea on the type of poison but I will need the dart with Sandy’s permission.
Kathryn: (Near the train door.) What’s this? (Picks up a piece of mummy cloth on the floor.)
Rocky: It appears to be Viscount’s hanky. But it is very shabby and smells.
Sandy: Let me see that.
Doctor: I don’t think that’s a hanky is it Sandy?
Sandy: No…no it’s not. It appears to be a piece of Egyptian cotton. You know mummy cloth. And there is Egyptian writing on it. It translates loosely to the English word “death” (Viscount death.).
Kathryn: But how?
Rocky: It’s the curse of the Pharaohs, Madame!
Doctor: There’s no curse.
Rocky: Then how do you explain this, sir?
Hemlock: There’s always a logical explanation for things.
Rocky: Well, mummy cloth, mummy blow dart, mummy curse…if you ask me that’s pretty logical. Or am I missing something sir?
Doctor: No, you are not. Everyone allow me to demonstrate. If the liquid turns blue it is a very old poison called serket. It is made from a plant only found in Africa. Now, I have taken the liberty to premix the appropriate liquids. Now Katheryn, would you do me the honor of dropping the dart into the liquid. (Sodium Hydroxide and Phenolphthalein)
Katheryn: My pleasure. (Drops the dart into the liquid.) Is something supposed to happen?
Doctor: Yes, the first liquid bonds with the poison and the when I pour the second liquid it will change the color to blue. (After it turns blue.) I was right. The Viscount was poisoned and this dart is the murder weapon.
Knot: Well aren’t you something - a doctor and a detective. Everyone here has been to Africa. Unless of course I’m missing something!
Hemlock: No, no you’re not. Everyone here, except Katheryn, has been to Africa. However, you and your daughter appear to be the only ones that have a relationship with the Viscount.
Knot: There is another. My son Shine.
Katheryn: Excuse me, which has the relationship, Rain or Shine?
Knot: Well, both. You know about Rain’s and well Shine’s….Well for Shine’s, you’re going to have to ask him.
Hemlock: Very well Madame! Shine Likelee please stand up. (Adlib to get Shine to stand up.) Now Shine, your mother has stated you had a relationship with the deceased. Would you care to explain?
Shine: No.
Knot: Shine answer Mr. Holmes’ questions.
Shine: Mummy, you’re making this very awkward for me.
Knot: I don’t understand why all the fuss!
Shine: Alright. (Look at your mother -Knot.) Mr. Holmes, the Viscount and I are, are….Well, we are…
Knot: Business partners. Right dear?
Shine: (Looks at Knot. Pause.) What? Yes. Yes, business partners. Mr. Holmes, we are Import/Export business partners.
Sandy: Business partners? Where do you import from?
Shine: Africa.
Katheryn: Hold on. (Grabs the paper and finds it.) Here it is. An ad-vert’is-ment about a Safari Company called Cad Daver Safari’s. The tour guide’s company is Rain or Shine Expeditions. Is this you?
Shine: Yes, yes, yes. I used the Viscount’s name to hide our affiliation. Everyone here knows that our name is not well received.
Knot: So, the Viscount financed you?
Shine: No. He provided the name and I took a loan out against the estate.
Knot: You did what? How dare you use my home to finance one of your schemes.
Shine: Mum, it isn’t your home. Father left everything to Rain and I. You live there because we allow you too.
Hemlock: Mr. Likely. What was Rain’s association with this endeavor?
Shine: She and her husband were the tour guides. Using her married name people didn’t realize she was from our family.
Hemlock: Thank you Shine, you may be seated.
Sandy: (Realizing something.) Rocky! Didn’t you just come back from a holiday in Africa and weren’t you on safari!?
Rocky: Yes Madame. Why?
Sandy: What was the name of the Safari Company that you booked?
Rocky: (A little worried.) Cad Daver Tours, Madame.
Kartheryn: And were Rain and the Captain your tour guides?
Rocky: (Worried but remains proper.) Yes, Madame.
Hemlock: Oh Doctor isn’t this exhilarating. Here I woke up this morning thinking one thing and now I am completely immersed into something else. Everyone, think about it. Rocky was on the same tour that Rain’s husband died on.
Doctor: You know Hemlock, if Cpt. Unlikely died the entire company would belong to Rain and now that the Viscount is out of the way Shine would get Cad Daver Tours.
Katheryn: That is a pretty good reason to murder someone - money.
Sandy: I know their financial situation is dire.
Katheryn: There is another possibility.
Sandy: What is that? (Move towards Rain.)
Katheryn: Since Rocky’s return I have noticed a change in his behavior. And during the evening he has repeatedly tried to take focus off of Rain. I wonder. Rocky, are you in love with Rain?
Rocky: Madame you know that isn’t possible since the Duchess has said Rain is royal and I’m a commoner.
Knot: My daughter would never stoop so low.
Hemlock: Did you meet Rain and Captain Unlikely on your trip?
Rocky: Of course I did, Sir! They were the tour guides.
Sandy: Rocky….how did Cpt. Unlikely’s dinghy sink?
Rocky: It leaked, Madame/Sir.
LIGHT CUE: BLACK OUT: (Rain Screams.) (Random talking. Someone turn on the lights. Something is moving in here. Rocky get the lights back on now.)
LIGHT CUE: LIGHTS COME BACK ON. (When the lights come back on Rain is dead in her chair.)
Sandy: Doctor! Come quickly. Mrs. Unlikely has fainted. (She moves away.)
Doctor: (He starts to check her vitals.)
Hemlock: (Back to Rocky quickly.) Rocky! Captain Unlikely’s dinghy? What happened?
Rocky: (Focused on Rain.) Sir..
Hemlock: Quickly man lives are at stake.
Rocky: (Trying to see what the doctor is doing with Rain.) I, I…
Hemlock: Answer the question!
Rocky: I don’t know!
Hemlock: Was Shine there?
Rocky: Yes, sir!
Doctor: Hemlock. Rain is dead.
Rocky: No! (Very upset. Pushes his way to her.)
Knot: You lie. My daughter is of noble birth. She can’t just die.
Doctor: I’m sorry Duchess. Hemlock, she had this in her hand.
Knot: (Everyone ignores Knot during this. Goes over to doctor.) Listen to me Doctor. You bring her back to life right this instant.
Doctor: I can’t. Only the book of the dead can do that. Isn’t that right Sandy?
Sandy: Yes.
Hemlock: Let me see that. (Grabs the Ankh.)
Knot: Isn’t anyone listening to me.
Katheryn: What is it? A religious symbol?
Knot: (Crosses to Shine.) Shine do something.
Hemlock: In a way yes. It’s an Egyptian Ankh and it symbolizes life.
Knot: Why isn’t anyone listening to me?
Katheryn: Then why use a symbol for life to kill someone?
Knot: I’m grieving over the loss of my daughter!
Rocky: I know Madame. The symbol not only means life but eternal life. Imhotep is collecting lives so he can return to a mortal life. It’s the curse and everyone here is sitting in his dining car!
Knot: I demand someone do something!
Doctor: Madame?
Knot: Finally.
Doctor: Lighten up.
Knot: I will not lighten up.
Katheryn: It hurts to lose someone you love doesn’t it!
Knot: Why you…(Approaches Katheryn in an aggressive manor.)
Doctor: Duchess! Have a brandy.
Katheryn: You know, I felt a cold shiver when the lights went out. (To audience.) Did anyone else feel it? (Back to cast.) Maybe there is something to this curse.
Doctor: Katheryn?
Katheryn: Yes?
Doctor: There is no curse.
Katheryn: You just don’t want to admit it that Rocky might be right!
Hemlock: Sandy, what can you tell us about this piece?
Sandy: It appears that it is from my collection since it has a catalog tag on it. But I thought they were under lock and key.
Hemlock: Who has access to them?
Sandy: Only Knot, Rocky, and myself, I believe.
Rocky: Madame! Ever since I put that cursed mummy on this train things have gone horribly wrong. I’m going to tear the wretched creature’s heart out.
Sandy: They don’t have hearts. When the priests embalm them they remove all their organs and put them in sacred jars.
Rocky: Then Madame, where’s the heart?
Sandy: I don’t know.
Rocky: (To Hemlock.) Sir, you don’t think it took Rain’s heart do you? Should I check? (Goes over and acts like he is going to open her blouse.)
Hemlock: No, that won’t be necessary. There isn’t any blood so I’m sure her chest is intact.
Rocky: (To Sandy) Madame? Then how do we kill this thing?
Sandy: You don’t write or call.
Rocky: What?
Sandy: It’s a mummy…mum…mother. A joke?
Katheryn: Sandy that was horrible.
Sandy: I thought it was pretty good.
Katheryn: It’s an archeologist thing right?
Rocky: Madame? How can you joke when Rain is sitting here dead? And the mummy is trying to steal her heart from her lovely chest! I can’t stand it!
Sandy: Getting all chocked up about it won’t do anyone any good. Trust me on that one.
Doctor: Sorry to interrupt the comedy routine but I’m ready for my test. Kathryn would care to drop the ankh in the solution.
Kathryn: Why is it always me?
Doctor: You want equality so get over it.
Katheryn: Fine. (Drops Ankh into liquid.)
Doctor: Now to mix, wash the poison off, and observes as it turns yellow. What the hell? It turned black. (Strychnos: Turn liquid black.) Ouch!!!!
Hemlock: Doctor?
Doctor: The glass is hot. I don’t understand it should have turned yellow.
Rocky: Madame…sir, this reeks of ancient evil. I fear, none of us are going to get off this train alive.
Hemlock: We’re not cursed. Doctor, now would be good time for a scientific explanation.
Doctor: Hemlock, I can’t explain her death or this.
Hemlock: What do you mean you can’t explain it?
Doctor: I have never seen this kind of reaction before.
Katheryn: Maybe we are cursed!
Hemlock: Madame, we’re not cursed. There is a scientific explanation for this.
Knot: Detective Holmes, my daughter is dead, my dear friend Viscount Cad Daver is dead, and you don’t think we’re cursed?
Hemlock: Well, no Madame.
Knot: Are you daft or just stupid?
Katheryn: (Standing by an entrance to the train car.) Hey what’s this? It looks like the same piece of cloth that was next to the Viscount.
Hemlock: Show me. Fascinating! (Hands it to Sandy.) Sandy, your analysis?
Sandy: It appears to be the same cloth that Imhotep is wrapped in. I don’t understand? And there is Egyptian writing on it. It’s an attempt to form the word “likely” (Rain death.).
Katheryn: Death likely? Does that mean we are all going to die?
Rocky: Madame! I’m sorry. I am going to set fire to that car now. (Goes to leave.)
SOUND CUE: Train noise dies and the train rolls to a stop.
LIGHT CUE: The lights dim and then come back up as train without power.
VIDEO CUE: Train images slow to stop. Windows go black.
Katheryn: What the hell?
Knot: What just happened?
Sandy: The train died.
Knot: I know that. I’m not stupid.
Hemlock: Doctor what do you make of this?
Doctor: I’m trying not to but I do believe I need a drink.
Hemlock: Get a drink Hyde and I will check on a few things. Miss Digs would you accompany me. (Hemlock and Sandy leave.)
Knot: Shine stay here until I get back. Watch your sister while I join the Doctor for a pick me up.
Katheryn: Knot, she’s dead.
Knot: Really. That woman has been faking it for years. She may be the undead. This is most vexing, most vexing indeed. So, if she’s not faking it be good boy and burn her. Until then I’m getting something to steady my nerves. I would suggest you do the same!
Katheryn: What about everyone else here?
Knot: They’re commoners so they don’t matter. (Walks out.)
Rocky: (To Katheryn.) Madame, I need to check on the train. Will you be alright while I’m gone?
Katheryn: Yes Rocky. Do your job. (Rocky leaves.) Well ladies and gentlemen, not sure what to say. Maybe getting a drink to steady the nerves is a good idea. So, I’ll see you at the bar. Oh, and by the way, try not die before we get back. Thank you.
SO ENDS THIS PERUSAL COPY OF “MURDER ON THE BRITISH EXPRESS”
The possession of this PERUSAL SCRIPT does not grant performance rights to this play. Proper application must be made to SCOTT CHERNEY/ PLAYWRIGHT REPRESENTATIVE at: writtenbysc@gmail.com before performances may be given. Do not duplicate this script without license or written permission.
Murder On the British Express
Written by Terry Smith
Copyright Protection
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
This play (the “Play”) is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, whether through bilateral or multilateral treaties or otherwise, and including, but not limited to, all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention, and the Berne Convention.
Reservation of Rights. All rights to this Play are strictly reserved, including, without limitation, professional and amateur stage performance rights; motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video, and sound recording rights; rights to all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction now known or yet to be invented, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, photocopying, and information storage and retrieval systems; and the rights of translation into non-English languages.
Performance Licensing and Royalty Payments. Amateur and stock performance rights to this Play are controlled exclusively by Terry Smith (The “Playwright”). No amateur or stock production groups or individuals may perform this Play without obtaining advance written permission from the Playwright. Required royalty fees for performing this Play can be obtained from the Playwright. Although this book may have been obtained for a particular licensed performance, such performance rights, if any, are not transferable. Required royalties must be paid every time the Play is performed before any audience, whether or not it is presented for profit and whether or not admission is charged. All licensing requests and inquiries concerning amateur and stock performance rights should be addressed to the following:
Scott Cherney/Playwright Representative 1189 NE 89th Ave. #314 Hillsboro,OR 97006 writtenbysc@gmail.com
or the author:
Terry Smith
111 Peyton Road
Sterling, VA 20165
Character Motive
Sandy Dig
Archaeologist (F): Sandy is one of the few female archeologists in the world. She is an American with the style and grace of a southern belle but the grit of a Texas born woman. She was hired by Duchess Likelee to retrace an Egyptian map that was obtained by her husband, Major Likelee, during World War II. Sandy was able to decipher the clues on the map that led her to Imhotep’s resting place. There she found many priceless antiquities but none more valuable than Imhotep’s “Book of Medicine” and “The Book of the Dead”. Her brother/husband died at the Battle of Wernburg 16 days after the end of the war. All because, a Major wanted to make a name for himself. The Major was awarded a medal while 200 American and British soldiers lay dead needlessly. The Major’s name was Major Likelee.
Dr. Hyde was there when the investigation into the attack occurred and praised the Major for his valiant efforts in the battle. He was assigned to a clearing station.
Rumors that Sandy’s find is a fake.
Dr. Hazel/Harold Hyde
Medical Doctor (F/M) Dr. Hyde is trying to quietly leave the country. Scotland Yard has linked her to several deaths over the last year. She claims she was set up by someone of nobility – specifically Duchess Broadbottom. Not being of noble birth, she has to flee for her life. She has a hint of a German accent and served as a medical doctor in WWII. Over the last several months, three members of the Broadbottom family have died. All under unusual circumstances. You were their doctor at the time of their deaths. Your relationship to the Likelee family
Hemlock Holmes
Scotland Yard (M) Hemlock is an immigrant from Ireland and works as a Scotland Yard Inspector (Irish or Scottish accent). He is highly intelligent, extremely observant and perceptive to the point of clairvoyant. He is a fast talking no nonsense man. He is on the trail of an ingenious murderer who has killed many times. No motive, no timeline are yet understood. The trail has led him to this place, this time, and to these train. The deaths have been well planned – snake bite, beheading, car accident, drowning to name a few. He believes the killer or killers have been planning this for a long time. He is hoping he can find the killer before they kill again. Major Likely,
Duchess Knot Likelee (F) Duchess Likelee is a high brow old school British royal. She believes all are beneath her, carries herself as if she was the Queen of England. She makes no bones about who she is or how you are to treat her. She is rude, demanding and has a proper British accent.
Knot thought her troubles were over after her husband died until she learned that her husband hated her and left most of his wealth to their children, friends and some mistresses. She financed the expedition that located the tomb of the legendary Egyptian – Imhotep. Ever since the end of World War II, she has lived in the scrutiny of her husband’s actions. Although, honored by the military many in the public thought him reckless and cowardly. After her husband’s death, she financed the dig in an effort to regain some dignity for her family. She had to mortgage everything she owned. Now creditors want to be paid and everything depends on whether Sandy found what she said she had found…or is it fake?
Duchess needs money so she has talked to Shine about stealing the book and selling it on the black market.
Rocky Train (M-Conductor) You are the train conductor and you are responsible for the safety of everyone on the train. You know many things about many people since you have listened to many stories over the years. You are friendly but highly opinionated. Your speech is that of a classic butler. You do not care for royalty as you find them portentous. As a result, some people get upset when you speak badly about the crown. You are low born but your accent is English received pronunciation (RP) or BBC English. You are aware of the item that is being carried on the train by Sandy Dig.
You took a trip to Africa – reasons unknown.
Baroness Katheryn Summerskill A feminist who is fighting for equal rights and equal pay and believes in the redistribution of wealth. You serve as head of the “privy council” which advised the monarchy on matters of state affairs. Your specialty is women’s rights. You’re highly educated, articulate and will not tolerate insolent men or woman who behave badly. You will do anything to promote your agenda of making England a welfare state. She is playing a game with people lives and in the end hopes to break the chain of greed, deceit, and corruption that the Likelee family has brought to the British realm. I’m well spoken, passionate and a hint of a French accent. She grew up in France and moved to England in her early teens. The Likelee family has wealth and power and with that they work tirelessly to keep that which they have not earned.
AUDIENCE ROLES
Character Motive
Buck A. Neer (M/F):
Dies Act II: This is world renowned thief. He only takes the most difficult jobs and the highest pay. No one knows who he is and he is on Scotland’s yard most wanted list. His picture is a silhouette. He is a smooth talker, a master at misdirection and will create diversions – yes even kill – to get what he wants. He was paid to steal the medical journals that Viscount Cad Daver wanted.
Learned Viscount didn’t have money to pay him so decided to keep all the money for the theft to himself.
Duchess Slip Broadbottom (F)
Dies Act II: She is the sister of Duchess Likelee. She is single with no prospects due to her family name. She is bitter and only cares about money. Her husband died in the war. He was part of the unit the Major Likelee She is next in line to inherit the Likelee fortune or misfortune. If her sister, niece and nephew are out of the way she will get a big pay day.
Her husband was killed at the battle of Wernburg.
Shine Likelee (M)
Dies Act II: Shine Likelee is the son of the Duke Mighty Likelee. He is privileged and thinks his blood is blue. He talks with over the top diction and uses his hands as an orator. He is the owner of Cad Davar Safari. He has and Rain and Shine Tour Guides. Shine is the owner of Cad Daver Safari’s and is part owner of Rain or Shine Tours. He has borrowed money against the estate to finance his operations. He needs capital quickly so has hired Buck A. Neer to steal Imhotep’s Medical journal.
Rain Unlikely (F)
Dies Act I: Rain Unlikely is the daughter of Duke and Duchess Likelee. She was married to Captain Unlikely. Her husband passed away a few months back in a bizarre boating accident when his dinghy sank and was eaten by a crocodile. Establishes Likelee Family needs money. Dee Likelee was to inherit a large sum of money upon Major’s death.
Viscount Cad Daver (M)
Dies Act I: First Victim to be killed during the blackout. During the investigation of Major Likelee Cad Daver survived the assault and testified that the Major had received orders to make the attack. Upon Cad’s return, the Major granted Cad title and land. He participated in the cover up.
Was broke and needed money. Had hired a high end thief to steal the medical journal. But didn’t have the money to pay.
ACT ONE
Sound Cue: Pre-show music.
(Show Setup. No pre show introduction. The theater is decorated to look like a railroad dining car. The conductor enters the dining car about 10 minutes before the show starts and talks to the passengers.)
Rocky: (10 minutes before the show starts you enter. This is an adlib section. You walk from table to table asking for tickets and punch a hole in them. Talk about the weather, general English politics and sports from 1953. The director should be milling about. The conductor approaches the director and asks for a ticket which the director doesn’t have. The conductor throws the director off the train. The conductor turns around and says.) The train will be leaving in five minutes, five minutes the train will be leaving. (Talk to the audience. Ask them how they are doing.) By the way, if you want a drink the drink car is out that door. If you need the privy you must go through the drink car into the hall car.
Sandy: (Enters with her luggage and looks for Conductor. Seeing the conductor and approaches.) Rocky, Rocky Train you’re back. Did you have a nice holiday?
Rocky: Yes Madame, I did. Africa is very nice this time of year.
Sandy: Now Rocky, how many times must I tell you to call me Sandy?
Rocky: Continually Madame.
Sandy: Well, it’s an improvement.
Rocky: Yes Madame. I aim to please.
Sandy: I missed you!
Rocky: I missed you too, Madame. According to this morning’s paper this is a very big day for you isn’t it?
Sandy: Yes, very big.
Rocky: I want you to know that I personally made sure that the cargo has been securely loaded and is safe. (A little worried.) But I swear, Madame that I heard movement from within.
Sandy: Oh Rocky, don’t be silly.
Rocky: (Nervous.) I’m serious, Madame. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up straight. I’ve heard the stories!
Sandy: They’re just stories.
Rocky: Stories come from somewhere, Madame.
Sandy: Yes they do. And because of a story look at me now!
Rocky: Ah yes Madam. Riding first class this evening? A little unusual for someone who is so financially thrifty?
Sandy: The British museum of antiquities sent me a ticket - here. (Rocky takes the ticket and punches it.) Supposedly to reward me for my contribution to history.
Rocky: Sounds like bullocks to me Madame.
Sandy: True! But I am riding first class now aren’t I. (She picks up her luggage.)
Rocky: Here, here Madame. Jolly good! (Seeing her moving her luggage.) Do you need any assistance?
Sandy: No thank you Rocky. I just spent six months in Egypt, uncovered one of the greatest finds of our century, survived giant insects and smelly camels. I think I can manage my own luggage, thank you. (Sandy goes to put her luggage up. She is too short and can’t do it.)
Doctor: (Enters, looks around sees Sandy and Rocky talking. As Sandy moves away to put the luggage away the Doctor moves over to the conductor.) Is this the dining car?
Rocky: Yes it is, Madame/Sir.
Doctor: Then why is there luggage? (See’s Sandy having troubles putting up the luggage and goes to help.)
Rocky: It’s a progressive dining car, Madame/sir.
Doctor: Ahhh very funny. And where is the toilette?
Rocky: Through the door and on your right. Would you like me to stow your luggage, Madame/Sir?
Doctor: No! (Pulls medical bag very close to herself. Moves quickly away and makes no eye contact with anyone. She leaves to find the restroom.)
Rocky: Ladies and gentlemen…
Katheryn: (Entering seeing Rocky and quickly picking up the conversation. Gives him a kiss to on the check right-left.) Rocky. Oh Rocky. Welcome back from holiday. How was your trip to Africa?
Rocky: Good day Madame. My trip was wonderful. But I didn’t expect to see you. I thought you had gone to the colonies to fight for women’s rights or something?
Katheryn: I did but… (Looking around and seeing she has a captive audience for her cause.) Oh wait. I can never pass up the opportunity to further my cause.
Rocky: I can’t imagine you doing that Madame.
Katheryn: Everyone, I’m the Baroness Katheryn Summerskill, running for Parliament, and champion of equal rights for women.
Rocky: So Madame, what brought you back early?
Katheryn: Well, I heard how Parliament is once again shaming women back into their homes, I had to come back and set them straight.
Rocky: Careful Madame. You’re making some very dangerous enemies.
Katheryn: Our Parliament and our media are trying to brainwash the women of ….
Rocky: Madame, you don’t need to convince me.
Katheryn: (Surprised.) Rocky…you are indeed a visionary.
Rocky: Thank you, Madame. In my travels, I’ve come realize that men and women should be equal no matter their titles.
Doctor: (Re-enters.)
Katheryn: Rocky that vacation has changed you! You’re a different man.
Rocky: Perhaps Madame. Africa was, shall we say, very eye opening. (Looks over the audience. Trying to find Rain.)
Knot: (Sweeps in and summons the conductor.) You, you boy come here now!
Katheryn: Speaking of “old” ways that won’t die!!!!
Knot: Boy! I said come here.
Katheryn: If only they would. Tata for now.
Rocky: (To Katheryn.) Yes Madame. (Rocky walks over to Katheryn.) Good day Madame. How may I help you?
Knot: My name is Duchess Knot Likelee of Pine Castle. Do you understand what that means!?
Rocky: Yes, Madame! Another privileged royal! Ticket please.
Knot: I beg your pardon? What is your name?
Rocky: Rocky…Rocky Train – Madame.
Knot: Well, boy! My luggage is on the platform, so see to it.
Rocky: Your bloody luggage (Walk over and look out car door.) can stay on the platform. Madame! This is 1953 and the only luggage I handle is the Queens. (Pause looks her up and down.) And you, (sizing her up.) Madame are not the Queen. Ticket Please!
Knot: (Searches for her ticket.) Commoners!!!! Gone are the days where they heeded our every beck and call – day or night!
Rocky: Ticket please!
Knot: Commoners. No respect. Here. (Gives Ticket to Rocky.)
Rocky: Thank you, Madame.
Knot: (Knot takes ticket back. Rocky didn’t get to punch it.) Keep your thanks. My children were supposed to meet me. Have you seen them? (Looks at Rocky but Rocky is ignoring her.) It doesn’t matter. Rain or Shine stand up. I’m too old to play hide and seek.
Shine/Rain: (They both stand up.)
Knot: (To Shine.) Shine, be a dear and bring mummy’s bags! (It is possible the audience member Shine will try to follow Rocky. If this happens, Rocky still needs to get to
Rocky: (Seeing Rain brightens up. Turns to Shine.) Sir, don’t worry. I’ll show you where. (Walks over to Rain.) Rain Unlikelee isn’t it? (Gently spoken.) Please Miss (Rocky reaches out to Rain – almost touching – then pulls back remembering his station.) be seated.
Knot: Rain sit down. Shine! Don’t doddle and don’t tip any commoners. They should be grateful that I’m even riding in the same car as they are. (Knot moves to any seat with a person in it.)
Rocky: (To Shine.) Follow me sir.
Knot: (Just stands behind an audience member. Frustrated.) Rocky! Get over here now!
Rocky: (To Shine.) Sir please take your seat while I “deal” with she who must be obeyed. You summoned me Madame?
Knot: Well, what took you so long?
Rocky: I have no idea Madame. (Looking around trying to understand the problem but not seeing it.) What appears to be the problem?
Knot: This!
Rocky: (Looks around. Not seeing the problem.) What’s (Mocking Knot.) this?
Knot: This thing.
Rocky: I don’t see any… (Knot clearly frustrated cuts him off.)
Knot: This thing in front of me that is sitting in my seat!!!!!
Rocky: There are other seats, Madame.
Knot: This is my seat and I will have it.
Rocky: (To Knot.) Yes Madame. (To audience member.) I’m very sorry. Would you mind moving? (Pauses. To audience.) Hold on. (Back to Knot.) Madame…you do realize that this entire table is filled with…commoners!
Knot: I don’t understand? I specifically requested my own table.
Rocky: May I see your ticket again?
Knot: Oh for heavens sakes. Certainly. (Knot takes ticket out begins to hand it Rocky and then sees Sandy and walks off before handing the ticket to Rocky. Rocky walks slowly after her and keeps trying to get the ticket but failing.) Sandy Digs? Why on earth are you on this train and in first class?
Sandy: (Polite.) Duchess. (Rocky pulls out puncher.)
Knot: Why?
Sandy: It’s a pleasure to see you too?
Knot: Well, I’m sorry but I can’t say the same.
Sandy: Duchess, this is a big night for both of us.
Knot: I paid for everything!
Sandy: (Confronting.) My research found everything!
Knot: You’ve no right to profit…
Sandy: from our hard work? Why not?!
Knot: You almost ruined me.
Sandy: You were already ruined and I brought you back to life!
Knot: You’re trying to steal my dignity!
Sandy: I can’t steal what you don’t have!
Knot: The papers, the articles are all about you!
Katheryn: Will the two of you knock it off.
Sandy: Katheryn! Help me understand why you are here?
Katheryn: I was invited. I got a ticket from the museum.
Knot: You have nothing to do with this!
Katheryn: I disagree.
Knot: You’re one of those “feminists”.
Rocky: (Rocky should have gotten the ticket by this time.)
Katheryn: And you’re one those “elitist”.
Rocky: (To Knot) Pardon me. Your ticket is for a seat not a table. Might I encourage you to take a seat in another car – perhaps? I hear the caboose is nice this time of year…Madame!?
Knot: How dare you! Well I never. (Walks away from Rocky.)
Rocky: Yes Madame, perhaps you should?
Sandy: Rocky let her be. She doesn’t understand.
Rocky: Yes Madame.
Sandy: Now Katheryn. I understand why everyone else is here as they were part of the dig but you were not.
Katheryn: I don’t know why I got the ticket but once I did and I learned you were going to be on the train how could I resist. So in truth, I’m here for you.
Sandy: For me?
Katheryn: OUI!! You’re a female archeologist in a male dominated field and you’re finally getting the same recognition as a man. You could do so much to further women’s rights.
Knot: Rocky! Throw the feminist off the train!
Rocky: I can’t Madame.
Knot: I command you…
Rocky: Still not the Queen, Madame.
Knot: (Walks off mumbling.) Commoners! No respect! No breeding! Think they are equal.
Rocky: Alllllllllllll aboard!
SOUND CUE: TRAIN BEGINS TO MOVE.
Hemlock: (Jumps on to the train.)
Katheryn: Sandy, you have to understand you’re breaking barriers.
Rocky: (To Hemlock.) Cutting it a little close aren’t we sir?
Knot: The dig is the only thing that matters.
Rocky: Ticket please.
Katheryn: I agree but…
Sandy: Listen!
Hemlock: (Reaches into his pocket and flashes his badge.) Is all in order?
Sandy: I found Imhotep’s grave, his medical journals and a journal that described his life, plus the Book of Dead!
Rocky: (A little confused and surprised but a quick response.) Yes, sir. (Walks over to Katheryn.)
Hemlock: (Moves off to the side to observe.)
Katheryn: I know and it’s wonderful! But, that was 3000 years ago. I’m talking about today…now!
Rocky: Madame, what the Baroness is saying is that you have an opportunity to be a sliver of hope.
Katheryn: No Rocky! I can make her a beacon of hope for all the working and non-working woman in England! Hell in the world…even the colonies.
Sandy: Not interested!
Katheryn: But everything….
Knot: She said no!
Katheryn: I’m not talking to you!
Knot: You are now!
Katheryn: Sandy, why not?
Knot: Katheryn! She said no!
Katheryn: Listen you old windbag!
Knot: No you listen ….
LIGHT CUE: BLACK OUT
Knot: What happened to the lights? Rocky?
Everyone: (During the blackout Viscount Cad Daver dies. During the black out there is a lot of noise and yelling. Hemlock is telling everyone not to move. To remain seated. There is thunder and lightning. When lights come back up Viscount is face down on the table.)
LIGHT CUE: LIGHTS UP
Knot: Rocky!! I demand to know why the lights went out. This is England and the lights do not go out.
Rocky: (As a joke at first.) It’s the curse, Madame! The curse!
Katheryn: What curse?
Rocky: (Still joking.) The Curse of the Pharaoh, Madame!
Knot: That’s codswallop.
Rocky: No Madame. I beg to differ. According to legend anyone involved in disturbing an Egyptian tomb dies.
Knot: Bullocks!
Rocky: Look around Madame. There is a dining car filled with people who are just waiting to die…including you. It’s a mummy smorgasbord, Madame.
Sandy: (Seeing Viscount.) What’s wrong with him? (Sandy moves to Viscount.)
Katheryn: Drunk I imagine.
Knot: Commoners! Can’t hold their liquor!
Sandy: (Moves over and listens to see if he is dead or alive.) I don’t think he’s drunk.
Katheryn: What do you mean?
Sandy: He may be dead!
Knot: Is he faking it!
Katheryn: Are you speaking from experience!
Knot: Katheryn Summerskill! I’m going to….
Hemlock: Ladies! Stand back. (Starts to examine the body.)
Knot: Who are you?
Hemlock: Is there a Doctor in the house? (Looking at Doctor Hyde.) I’ve always wanted to say that. (Hyde comes over.)
Knot: Oh, if only my late husband Duke Mighty Likelee, the hero of “The battle of Wernberg”, was here. He’d know what to do.
Katheryn: Yes, and we we’d all be dead now wouldn’t we?!
Sandy: Knot, we all know the story.
Hemlock: What do you think Doctor?
Knot: A commoner, who cares!!!!
Hemlock: Madame! You’d care if it were Rain or Shine!
Knot: Of course, they’re noble! Exactly who are you, sir?
Hemlock: Hemlock Holmes, Madame. Chief Detective of Scotland Yard at your service.
Knot: I don’t need to be serviced by the likes of you, but it appears that commoner does.
Hemlock: Duchess Likelee! You’d do well to observe more and talk less. Allow me! (Hemlock gets the victim to raise his head.)
Knot: (Gasps.) Oh my giddy aunt. It’s the Viscount, Viscount Cad Daver!
Hemlock: So Madame, you know Viscount Cad Daver?
Knot: Yes! (Proudly.) He served with distinction and honor in my husband’s regiment.
Doctor: Hemlock? (Note: Uses first name as they have met before. Comes out later in the show.)
Katheryn: Didn’t he also testify at your husband court-martial?
Knot: Yes. Why?
Sandy: In your husband’s defense?!
Knot: Yes.
Hemlock: Madame, everyone here is well aware of your husband’s actions…
Knot: I remind…
Hemlock: Madame! Don’t interrupt me. Your husband commanded an attack on a fortified position after the war ended. Most of the boys didn’t come home.
Katheryn: And to top it off, the military gave him a medal to cover up his negligence!!!
Knot: How dare you insult the memory of my beloved husband!
Hemlock: My apologies Madame, but…
Doctor: Pardon my interruption, Mr. Holmes. But the Viscount is dead.
Rocky: You must be mistaken, sir. This is the British Railway System. People just don’t die. They have the dignity to get off first and then die.
Doctor: Well rest assured the British Railway’s dignity is still intact. Because he was murdered.
Everyone: (BIG GASP.)
Sandy: Murdered? I don’t understand. And why was Viscount even on the train?
Rocky: A very good observation, Madame. He’s rarely on the train but he did have a ticket.
Hemlock: Duchess. Since you and the Viscount are such “good” friends perhaps you know?
Knot: I don’t. But my daughter might. The Viscount was always very fond of Rain. Rain, darling can you stand up? (Adlib to get her to stand up.) Now be a dear, and answer the gentleman’s questions honestly - unless you need to lie to protect the family.
Hemlock: Rain, let me offer you my condolences about your recent husband’s death.
Rain: Thank you.
Sandy: You’re married?
Rain: Widowed…about a month now.
Katheryn: How?
Rain: It was a bizarre boating accident.
Katheryn: What happened?
Rain: His dinghy sank! (A little teary.)
Sandy: That’s common among men.
Hemlock: Now, Ms. Unlikely. Your husband was a Captain correct?
Rain: Yes.
Hemlock: And you were on holiday?
Rain: Yes. In Africa.
Hemlock: After his dinghy sank, he was consumed by a crocodile, I believe?
Rain: Yes. The only thing we found was his leg. (Boohoohoo)
Hemlock: I heard that you killed the crocodile that ate him.
Rain: I didn’t but the locals did.
Hemlock: Hyde isn’t that fascinating?
Doctor: (Sarcastic.) Riveting Hemlock. Simply riveting!
Hemlock: Rain? Is it true that they served the crocodile for dinner?
Rain: Yes.
Doctor: Hemlock? Doesn’t that mean she actually ate Captain Unlikely?
Hemlock: Doctor, I told you it was fascinating!
Doctor: But doesn’t that make her a cannibal?
Rain: Well sir, I guess technically you could look at it that way. But it was still very delicious despite my husband’s unpleasant disposition.
Doctor: Good gosh my lady, you actually swallowed him?
Rain: Yes. (Say this line smiling at Rocky.) And I didn’t choke once!!!
Knot: You ate your husband? How could you?
Rain: One bite at a time. And why should you care, mother? You’ve never gave a damn whether I lived or died. You only care about Shine; Viscount marrying me; and your family name!
Knot: That’s not true.
Rain: It is mother. Mr. Holmes I have nothing further to say except I would die before I married the Viscount. (Sit down.)
Hemlock: Lucky for you Madame, he died first.
Doctor: So Hemlock, what do you want to do with the body?
Hemlock: Rocky? Does the train have an ice car?
Rocky: Yes sir. Will the gentleman require one lump or two?
Hemlock: Two will do nicely.
Rocky: That was a joke sir.
Hemlock: (Matter of fact.) I know.
Rocky: Yes sir.
Hemlock: Now Doctor…
Doctor: (He has a blow dart in her pocket that she palms and picks up off the floor. She sees something on the floor next to him.) Hemlock, what do we have here?
Hemlock: Let me see that. (Looks at it closely.) It’s made of reed and is in remarkably good condition. There are carvings on the shaft. Would you care to translate Doctor? My Egyptian is not what it used to be.
Doctor: Sorry Hemlock, I don’t read Egyptian only Latin.
Hemlock: Sandy care to have a go at it. (Hands the dart to Sandy.)
Sandy: (Checking the dart.)
Hemlock: Well Miss Digs?
Sandy: This is impossible.
Hemlock: What is?
Sandy: It is from the Egyptian collection on the train!
Hemlock: Isn’t that under lock and key?
Sandy: Yes.
Katheryn: Does the dart have any significance?
Sandy: It’s the dart from inside Imhotep’s sarcophagus.
Katheryn: How can you possible know that?
Sandy: His name’s on it and its cataloged.
Katheryn: But how?
Sandy: I don’t know how!
Doctor: Hemlock come here and look at his neck. There is a small puncture wound just under the ear. (Hemlock moves to Doctor.)
Hemlock: Fascinating Doctor. What are those unusual streaks coming off the prick on his neck?
Katheryn: Do you think that dart has meaning for the killer?
Doctor: Let me take a closer look. (Begins to look at the streaks. Pulls out a journal and thumbs through some pages.)
Sandy: It must or why go to all the effort to steal it.
Hemlock: Did someone say steal?
Knot: (From across the room.) Pardon me. But Detective Holmes don’t you think you should search everyone for a long item that one can blow on!
Katheryn: No need to search you is there.
Knot: Whatever do you mean?
Katheryn: You haven’t seen anything like that in decades.
Knot: I don’t understand!
Rocky: Madame! Sir, if I may speculate.
Holmes: Rocky, your timing is impeccable, go ahead.
Rocky: Perhaps it’s an insect bite and the dart was dropped by a thief to throw us off the killer’s scent? (To Rain because he believes Rain killed the Viscount.) Or it might be as simple as a heart attack. People do die of a heart attack. (To Doctor.) Isn’t that right sir?
Doctor: You may be right about the heart attack but I believe it was induced by a poison.
Rocky: There is a way to find out, sir?
Katheryn: And what are you suggesting? (She moves to the train door.)
Rocky: We test it on the Duchess,…sir.
Knot: Rocky!
Rocky: Sorry Madame, I got caught up in the moment.
Knot: Commoners. We’d be better off without them.
Rocky: If you say so Madame!
Hemlock: However, Rocky is right. We can test the dart for poison can’t we Doctor Hyde?
Doctor: Yes! I was checking my journal and I have an idea on the type of poison but I will need the dart with Sandy’s permission.
Kathryn: (Near the train door.) What’s this? (Picks up a piece of mummy cloth on the floor.)
Rocky: It appears to be Viscount’s hanky. But it is very shabby and smells.
Sandy: Let me see that.
Doctor: I don’t think that’s a hanky is it Sandy?
Sandy: No…no it’s not. It appears to be a piece of Egyptian cotton. You know mummy cloth. And there is Egyptian writing on it. It translates loosely to the English word “death” (Viscount death.).
Kathryn: But how?
Rocky: It’s the curse of the Pharaohs, Madame!
Doctor: There’s no curse.
Rocky: Then how do you explain this, sir?
Hemlock: There’s always a logical explanation for things.
Rocky: Well, mummy cloth, mummy blow dart, mummy curse…if you ask me that’s pretty logical. Or am I missing something sir?
Doctor: No, you are not. Everyone allow me to demonstrate. If the liquid turns blue it is a very old poison called serket. It is made from a plant only found in Africa. Now, I have taken the liberty to premix the appropriate liquids. Now Katheryn, would you do me the honor of dropping the dart into the liquid. (Sodium Hydroxide and Phenolphthalein)
Katheryn: My pleasure. (Drops the dart into the liquid.) Is something supposed to happen?
Doctor: Yes, the first liquid bonds with the poison and the when I pour the second liquid it will change the color to blue. (After it turns blue.) I was right. The Viscount was poisoned and this dart is the murder weapon.
Knot: Well aren’t you something - a doctor and a detective. Everyone here has been to Africa. Unless of course I’m missing something!
Hemlock: No, no you’re not. Everyone here, except Katheryn, has been to Africa. However, you and your daughter appear to be the only ones that have a relationship with the Viscount.
Knot: There is another. My son Shine.
Katheryn: Excuse me, which has the relationship, Rain or Shine?
Knot: Well, both. You know about Rain’s and well Shine’s….Well for Shine’s, you’re going to have to ask him.
Hemlock: Very well Madame! Shine Likelee please stand up. (Adlib to get Shine to stand up.) Now Shine, your mother has stated you had a relationship with the deceased. Would you care to explain?
Shine: No.
Knot: Shine answer Mr. Holmes’ questions.
Shine: Mummy, you’re making this very awkward for me.
Knot: I don’t understand why all the fuss!
Shine: Alright. (Look at your mother -Knot.) Mr. Holmes, the Viscount and I are, are….Well, we are…
Knot: Business partners. Right dear?
Shine: (Looks at Knot. Pause.) What? Yes. Yes, business partners. Mr. Holmes, we are Import/Export business partners.
Sandy: Business partners? Where do you import from?
Shine: Africa.
Katheryn: Hold on. (Grabs the paper and finds it.) Here it is. An ad-vert’is-ment about a Safari Company called Cad Daver Safari’s. The tour guide’s company is Rain or Shine Expeditions. Is this you?
Shine: Yes, yes, yes. I used the Viscount’s name to hide our affiliation. Everyone here knows that our name is not well received.
Knot: So, the Viscount financed you?
Shine: No. He provided the name and I took a loan out against the estate.
Knot: You did what? How dare you use my home to finance one of your schemes.
Shine: Mum, it isn’t your home. Father left everything to Rain and I. You live there because we allow you too.
Hemlock: Mr. Likely. What was Rain’s association with this endeavor?
Shine: She and her husband were the tour guides. Using her married name people didn’t realize she was from our family.
Hemlock: Thank you Shine, you may be seated.
Sandy: (Realizing something.) Rocky! Didn’t you just come back from a holiday in Africa and weren’t you on safari!?
Rocky: Yes Madame. Why?
Sandy: What was the name of the Safari Company that you booked?
Rocky: (A little worried.) Cad Daver Tours, Madame.
Kartheryn: And were Rain and the Captain your tour guides?
Rocky: (Worried but remains proper.) Yes, Madame.
Hemlock: Oh Doctor isn’t this exhilarating. Here I woke up this morning thinking one thing and now I am completely immersed into something else. Everyone, think about it. Rocky was on the same tour that Rain’s husband died on.
Doctor: You know Hemlock, if Cpt. Unlikely died the entire company would belong to Rain and now that the Viscount is out of the way Shine would get Cad Daver Tours.
Katheryn: That is a pretty good reason to murder someone - money.
Sandy: I know their financial situation is dire.
Katheryn: There is another possibility.
Sandy: What is that? (Move towards Rain.)
Katheryn: Since Rocky’s return I have noticed a change in his behavior. And during the evening he has repeatedly tried to take focus off of Rain. I wonder. Rocky, are you in love with Rain?
Rocky: Madame you know that isn’t possible since the Duchess has said Rain is royal and I’m a commoner.
Knot: My daughter would never stoop so low.
Hemlock: Did you meet Rain and Captain Unlikely on your trip?
Rocky: Of course I did, Sir! They were the tour guides.
Sandy: Rocky….how did Cpt. Unlikely’s dinghy sink?
Rocky: It leaked, Madame/Sir.
LIGHT CUE: BLACK OUT: (Rain Screams.) (Random talking. Someone turn on the lights. Something is moving in here. Rocky get the lights back on now.)
LIGHT CUE: LIGHTS COME BACK ON. (When the lights come back on Rain is dead in her chair.)
Sandy: Doctor! Come quickly. Mrs. Unlikely has fainted. (She moves away.)
Doctor: (He starts to check her vitals.)
Hemlock: (Back to Rocky quickly.) Rocky! Captain Unlikely’s dinghy? What happened?
Rocky: (Focused on Rain.) Sir..
Hemlock: Quickly man lives are at stake.
Rocky: (Trying to see what the doctor is doing with Rain.) I, I…
Hemlock: Answer the question!
Rocky: I don’t know!
Hemlock: Was Shine there?
Rocky: Yes, sir!
Doctor: Hemlock. Rain is dead.
Rocky: No! (Very upset. Pushes his way to her.)
Knot: You lie. My daughter is of noble birth. She can’t just die.
Doctor: I’m sorry Duchess. Hemlock, she had this in her hand.
Knot: (Everyone ignores Knot during this. Goes over to doctor.) Listen to me Doctor. You bring her back to life right this instant.
Doctor: I can’t. Only the book of the dead can do that. Isn’t that right Sandy?
Sandy: Yes.
Hemlock: Let me see that. (Grabs the Ankh.)
Knot: Isn’t anyone listening to me.
Katheryn: What is it? A religious symbol?
Knot: (Crosses to Shine.) Shine do something.
Hemlock: In a way yes. It’s an Egyptian Ankh and it symbolizes life.
Knot: Why isn’t anyone listening to me?
Katheryn: Then why use a symbol for life to kill someone?
Knot: I’m grieving over the loss of my daughter!
Rocky: I know Madame. The symbol not only means life but eternal life. Imhotep is collecting lives so he can return to a mortal life. It’s the curse and everyone here is sitting in his dining car!
Knot: I demand someone do something!
Doctor: Madame?
Knot: Finally.
Doctor: Lighten up.
Knot: I will not lighten up.
Katheryn: It hurts to lose someone you love doesn’t it!
Knot: Why you…(Approaches Katheryn in an aggressive manor.)
Doctor: Duchess! Have a brandy.
Katheryn: You know, I felt a cold shiver when the lights went out. (To audience.) Did anyone else feel it? (Back to cast.) Maybe there is something to this curse.
Doctor: Katheryn?
Katheryn: Yes?
Doctor: There is no curse.
Katheryn: You just don’t want to admit it that Rocky might be right!
Hemlock: Sandy, what can you tell us about this piece?
Sandy: It appears that it is from my collection since it has a catalog tag on it. But I thought they were under lock and key.
Hemlock: Who has access to them?
Sandy: Only Knot, Rocky, and myself, I believe.
Rocky: Madame! Ever since I put that cursed mummy on this train things have gone horribly wrong. I’m going to tear the wretched creature’s heart out.
Sandy: They don’t have hearts. When the priests embalm them they remove all their organs and put them in sacred jars.
Rocky: Then Madame, where’s the heart?
Sandy: I don’t know.
Rocky: (To Hemlock.) Sir, you don’t think it took Rain’s heart do you? Should I check? (Goes over and acts like he is going to open her blouse.)
Hemlock: No, that won’t be necessary. There isn’t any blood so I’m sure her chest is intact.
Rocky: (To Sandy) Madame? Then how do we kill this thing?
Sandy: You don’t write or call.
Rocky: What?
Sandy: It’s a mummy…mum…mother. A joke?
Katheryn: Sandy that was horrible.
Sandy: I thought it was pretty good.
Katheryn: It’s an archeologist thing right?
Rocky: Madame? How can you joke when Rain is sitting here dead? And the mummy is trying to steal her heart from her lovely chest! I can’t stand it!
Sandy: Getting all chocked up about it won’t do anyone any good. Trust me on that one.
Doctor: Sorry to interrupt the comedy routine but I’m ready for my test. Kathryn would care to drop the ankh in the solution.
Kathryn: Why is it always me?
Doctor: You want equality so get over it.
Katheryn: Fine. (Drops Ankh into liquid.)
Doctor: Now to mix, wash the poison off, and observes as it turns yellow. What the hell? It turned black. (Strychnos: Turn liquid black.) Ouch!!!!
Hemlock: Doctor?
Doctor: The glass is hot. I don’t understand it should have turned yellow.
Rocky: Madame…sir, this reeks of ancient evil. I fear, none of us are going to get off this train alive.
Hemlock: We’re not cursed. Doctor, now would be good time for a scientific explanation.
Doctor: Hemlock, I can’t explain her death or this.
Hemlock: What do you mean you can’t explain it?
Doctor: I have never seen this kind of reaction before.
Katheryn: Maybe we are cursed!
Hemlock: Madame, we’re not cursed. There is a scientific explanation for this.
Knot: Detective Holmes, my daughter is dead, my dear friend Viscount Cad Daver is dead, and you don’t think we’re cursed?
Hemlock: Well, no Madame.
Knot: Are you daft or just stupid?
Katheryn: (Standing by an entrance to the train car.) Hey what’s this? It looks like the same piece of cloth that was next to the Viscount.
Hemlock: Show me. Fascinating! (Hands it to Sandy.) Sandy, your analysis?
Sandy: It appears to be the same cloth that Imhotep is wrapped in. I don’t understand? And there is Egyptian writing on it. It’s an attempt to form the word “likely” (Rain death.).
Katheryn: Death likely? Does that mean we are all going to die?
Rocky: Madame! I’m sorry. I am going to set fire to that car now. (Goes to leave.)
SOUND CUE: Train noise dies and the train rolls to a stop.
LIGHT CUE: The lights dim and then come back up as train without power.
VIDEO CUE: Train images slow to stop. Windows go black.
Katheryn: What the hell?
Knot: What just happened?
Sandy: The train died.
Knot: I know that. I’m not stupid.
Hemlock: Doctor what do you make of this?
Doctor: I’m trying not to but I do believe I need a drink.
Hemlock: Get a drink Hyde and I will check on a few things. Miss Digs would you accompany me. (Hemlock and Sandy leave.)
Knot: Shine stay here until I get back. Watch your sister while I join the Doctor for a pick me up.
Katheryn: Knot, she’s dead.
Knot: Really. That woman has been faking it for years. She may be the undead. This is most vexing, most vexing indeed. So, if she’s not faking it be good boy and burn her. Until then I’m getting something to steady my nerves. I would suggest you do the same!
Katheryn: What about everyone else here?
Knot: They’re commoners so they don’t matter. (Walks out.)
Rocky: (To Katheryn.) Madame, I need to check on the train. Will you be alright while I’m gone?
Katheryn: Yes Rocky. Do your job. (Rocky leaves.) Well ladies and gentlemen, not sure what to say. Maybe getting a drink to steady the nerves is a good idea. So, I’ll see you at the bar. Oh, and by the way, try not die before we get back. Thank you.
SO ENDS THIS PERUSAL COPY OF “MURDER ON THE BRITISH EXPRESS”
The possession of this PERUSAL SCRIPT does not grant performance rights to this play. Proper application must be made to SCOTT CHERNEY/ PLAYWRIGHT REPRESENTATIVE at: writtenbysc@gmail.com before performances may be given. Do not duplicate this script without license or written permission.
