PERUSAL COPY ONLY
Proposal
Is
Murder
Written by Terry Smith
Copyright Protection
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
This play (the “Play”) is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, whether through bilateral or multilateral treaties or otherwise, and including, but not limited to, all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention, and the Berne Convention.
Reservation of Rights. All rights to this Play are strictly reserved, including, without limitation, professional and amateur stage performance rights; motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video, and sound recording rights; rights to all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction now known or yet to be invented, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, photocopying, and information storage and retrieval systems; and the rights of translation into non-English languages.
Performance Licensing and Royalty Payments. Amateur and stock performance rights to this Play are controlled exclusively by Terry Smith (The “Playwright”). No amateur or stock production groups or individuals may perform this Play without obtaining advance written permission from the Playwright. Required royalty fees for performing this Play can be obtained from the Playwright. Although this book may have been obtained for a particular licensed performance, such performance rights, if any, are not transferable. Required royalties must be paid every time the Play is performed before any audience, whether or not it is presented for profit and whether or not admission is charged.
All licensing requests and inquiries concerning amateur and stock performance rights should be addressed to the following:
Scott Cherney/Playwright Representative 1189 NE 89th Ave. Hillsboro, OR 97006 writtenbysc@gmail.com or the author:
Terry Smith
111 Peyton Road
Sterling, VA 20165
Restriction of Alterations. There shall be no deletions, alterations, or changes of any kind made to the Play, the cutting of dialogue, or the alteration of objectionable language, unless directly authorized by the Playwright. The title of the Play shall not be altered.
Cast of Characters
Lucky Charm: (Male: Groom) Lucky is a workaholic who always answers his cell phone. He is a proper Southern gentleman complete with accent and southern charm, but don’t make him mad. He is a slow simmering pot, ready to boil at any time.
Sue Sorry: (Female: Best man) Lucky’s lifetime best friend. There is a unique bond of “family” between them and she will defend Lucky to the death. A smart woman, with a little bit of leftover Valley Girl from a long time ago.
Bull Stock: (Male: Engineer) Lucky’s boss and also a friend for three years. A brilliant, but burned out engineer, he is a little bit of a hippie, spends a lot of time during the work day checking out his stocks and is not one to sugar coat his feelings or mince words.
Miss Trust: (Female – Conspiracy Theorist) A co-worker of Lucky’s, she thinks everything is a conspiracy. A little crazy, a “close talker” and she tends to twist all the facts around to create her own truth. The only thing missing is her tin foil hat!
Lequila Lyme: (Female – Government Contractor) She is unhappy with her job and feels she is unfairly blamed by upper management for everything that goes wrong on the program. She condescendingly calls people “Honey”, “Sweetie Pie” and “Sugar”. Her lack of job knowledge becomes obvious during meetings when she can’t answer questions, but instead repeats the questions then pivots to another subject. Happens all the time.
Cash Money: (Male – Government Financier) He handles the money and the contracts for the program. He tends to worry about the small problems and disregards more urgent matters. Plays the victim card when he feels bullied and will happily pin the blame on anyone else when it suits him.
Audience Roles
May Yes: (Female: Proposal Volunteer) May Yes is an audience volunteer used during the proposal scene. Lucky and Bull practice proposing to her. Requires a name sheet. No script
Callie Mari: (Female: PMO – Lines/Victim) Callie Mari is the government employee program manager for the contract that Lucky works on. Has lines and dies at end of Act One. She dies in Trust’s arms.
Les Relevant: (Male: DPM – No Lines/Victim) Les Relevant dies at start of Act Two. Has no lines and dies in Sue’s arms.
Sterling Puddles: (Male: Enterprise services - Lines) Sterling Puddles is responsible for the overall running of the system that Lucky and Bull work on. He has a good working relationship with Lucky and has spent many hours working problems together. For years, Lequila and Cash have pushed you around and you are starting to get tired of it.
Sir Valence: (Male: Security Manager – Lines/Victim) Sir Valence is a man trapped in a woman’s body. At least that is what YOU believe. You have lowered your voice so people think you are a man. You are responsible for the security of the computer.
Steve Belcher: (Male: Prophylactic’s Owner - Lines) Steve Belcher is the owner of the company who won the contract that Lucky was working on. He has personnel ties to Lequila and Cash. He is a snake in the grass and will stop at nothing to get what he wants.
Honey Combs: Lucky’s fiancée.
Audience Role: This person has one job and that is to yell out a line when they hear the phrase Lucky Charm. They are to say “He’s terribly delicious.”
Audience Role: This person has one job and that is to yell out a line after they hear the proposal by Lucky Charm. They are to say “Oh Yeah!” In the tune of Louis Armstrong “What a Wonderful World”
Audience Role: This person has one job and that is to yell out a line when prompted by Bull. They are to say “How loud was it?”
ACT ONE
Lucky: (Lucky enters and starts working the crowd. He talks to the people and thanks them for being there. This is an adlib section where it is one on one with a table. Mic is not up. Lucky moves as far away from the entrance as he can.)
Bull: (Bull enters and asks a table if they have seen Lucky. He notices Lucky over across the room.) Lucky….Lucky, Lucky Charm
Audience: He’s terribly delicious!
Bull: (To audience.) Really? – Lucky, over here!!!! (Bull crosses to Lucky.) Hey man, look at all these people. (Chuckling) I didn’t know you had this many friends.
Lucky: (Said in disbelief.) Neither, did I! Bull, how much did you pay them to get them here?
Bull: Oh man, not that much. Just told them that the booze was free.
Lucky: But it’s not.
Bull: I know, man! That’s the beauty of it. They don’t know! So, you had better get this proposal thing done quickly and run - before they find out and kill you!
Lucky: Oh crap, you’re kidding, right?
Bull: Of course…of course I am….or am I? (To the audience.) Hey man, did any of you expect to get free booze tonight, raise your hand! (Look around) See man, at least some came tonight to be part of your special evening. Your big adventure! (Keeps on talking while Lucky tries to interrupt.)
Lucky: I…
Bull: Your big step off the cliff.
Lucky: I…
Bull: The end of the line! (Looking at Lucky like why aren’t you stopping me?)
Lucky: (Crosses arms and looks at him.)
Bull: The ol’ ball and chain. (To audience person.) He’s not interrupting me. (Turns to face Lucky.) Aren’t you going to interrupt me?
Lucky: No.
Bull: Why not?
Lucky: Ah, because for you, my friend, it is the end. But, for me, it’s just the beginning
Bull: Wow, man! (Thinks a minute.) Hey, that’s really good. You should tell the playwright!
Lucky: Give it a rest, Bull!
Bull: Whoa man, you’re not getting clay feet, are ya?
Lucky: That’s cold feet! And no. Just wondering if all of this hoopla is really necessary.
Bull: You know your girl!
Lucky: Yes, I know my girl.
Bull: Well? (Pause, they look at each other.)
Both: It’s necessary.
Bull: So, let’s get that elephant off your shoulder.
Lucky: That’s chip off your shoulder….but, on the other hand, elephant is probably a better analogy.
Bull: You know, I’ve been thinking about this. How you gonna ask her?
Lucky: What?
Bull: You know, how are you going pop the question, man? I’ve set the mood (Couple measures of tubular bells). I’ve arranged for cheering. (to audience) Everyone, help me out with cheering, whaaaaa! Again, whaaaaa! Do you hear that? They’re cheering you on, man! So, I got you here, I got them here, and soon the future Mrs. Lucky Charm…
Audience: He’s terribly delicious.
Bull: (Just shake head.)….will be here. Now all we need is the perfect question. Lay it on me!
Lucky: Lay what on you?
Bull: The question, man, the question!
Lucky: Oh, that question. How about something like this: Will you marry me?
Bull: Hell no! That was just…terrible! Such a dismal display of the male imagination. You’ve never done this before, have you?
Lucky: No, first time.
Bull: I can tell. (Pausing and getting an idea.) Wait a minute! I have an idea.
Lucky: Oh no, you don’t. The last time you had an idea I had to work for 48 hours straight. (fast pace)
Bull: I brought you a hoagie.
Lucky: It was stale.
Bull: That was a long time ago.
Lucky: Wednesday!?
Bull: Stop it, man. You’re getting me confused!!! (Slow pace back down.)
Lucky: Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday!
Bull: STTOOPPP IT!!! (Pause and regain composure.) Lucky! We have more important things to do than to talk about your stale hoagie. (Give a seductive look. Scan the audience.) Let me think. Ah yes, I was talking to a May Yes earlier this evening. May, will you stand? Come on up and join us. (Ad lib to get her up to a highly visible spot.) How are you? Have you ever had a stale hoagie?
Lucky: Bull!
Bull: Apparently Lucky doesn’t like them. Now May, I have brought you up to help Lucky with his “little” problem. So, I need you to stand here and Lucky, my man, is going to ask you to marry him. Afterwards, you can rate him. Go ahead, Lucky, show us your best stuff!
Lucky: (walks over and says.) Will you marry me?
Bull: (Sue enters and stands off to the side.) Oh. My. God! If I were her, I would reach out and slap you. (Look at the audience person.) Where’s the romance, the fire, the love? Where’s anything? May! On a scale of one to five, with five being perfect, how would you rate that? (Wait for May to respond. Repeat answer to audience.) And Lucky, what did you think?
Lucky: I thought it was a four.
Bull: Oh, man! Your wedding night is going to be a shamble with passion like this!
Lucky: Let me try it again. (Turns to audience person and gets on one knee and asks.) “Will you marry me?”
Bull: Don’t! Don’t!! Don’t!!! …. Don’t!!!!! Answer that! Oh man, that was close. I just realized that if she had answered, you would be engaged to her. Luckily, I stopped her before she did.
Sue: Lucky indeed.
Bull: Good thing he has me for his lucky charm!
Audience: He’s terribly delicious!
Bull: (Gives audience person a raspberry.) Pfffffft!!
Lucky: Sue, you’re here. Sue Sorry – Bull Stock, Bull Stock – Sue Sorry. I’m so glad you’re here. Thank you. You can be seated. Can we have a big round of applause for May? (Send audience member back to their seat.) Sue! Bull has been helping me figure out how to propose with the help of May Yes.
Sue: I noticed.
Lucky: What’d you think?
Sue: Well, in a word, it was terrible.
Bull: Hey babe, that’s what I said.
Sue: Babe? Babe! You call me babe again and you’ll be choking on your babes! Got it!
Bull: Back off, she-devil!
Sue: (Mockingly to Bull) Tell me, babe! How many times have you asked someone to marry you?
Bull: Seven, why?
Lucky: Sue, maybe we should listen to him. He seems to have a lot of experience.
Sue: Yes, so it would seem. Alright, Bull, how many times have you been married?
Bull: That’s not important.
Sue: Really? Very well! Let’s get May Yes back up here to help us out. May Yes, would you please join us? (Ad lib to get her back on stage.) May, why don’t you stand right here and Bull will demonstrate his award winning proposal technique. (Bull looks a little worried.) Go ahead and work your magic or are you afraid you’ll…. (makes a choking sound)!
Lucky: Sue, is this a good idea?
Sue: (Lucky gets the hand held mic.) Trust me, you’re going to learn a lot. Go ahead, Bull.
Bull: (To audience volunteer.) May, are you ready for this? (As Elvis Presley) Hey baby, let’s go for a walk. (They take a couple steps.) It’s a beautiful night, don’t you think? It’s a night that is meant to be the beginning of something incredible. (He spins, drops to a knee.) Baby, oh baby…mama baby, will you marry the king?
Sue: (To audience member.) No! No!! NO!!! HELL No!!!! First of all, she isn’t your baby! Second of all, she’s not your momma baby! You need to warm her up a little. Sprinkle a little magic fairy dust around.
Lucky: Hold on, Sue, I think I got it. Bull, will you help by putting May in a chair where everyone can see her? (Bull escorts her to a seat but whispers in her ear that she is to respond to Lucky’s marriage proposal by singing in the style of Louis Armstrong, Oh yeah.). I think that I understand now. It isn’t just about saying the words. It’s about the magic that surrounds each word. Otherwise, they’re just words. Let me try. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us on this very, very special evening. I could talk for hours about this astounding woman who has brightened my days and warmed my nights - but in truth, I would rather show you, and most importantly her, how much I really love her. (Move to the side of the chair to provide best blocking.) Honey, I know how much you idolize Louis Armstrong and although I am not him, nor am I William Shakespeare, these words come from my heart and I hope … that they will find their way into yours. (Sung in the style of Louis Armstrong, to melody of What a Wonderful World.)
I see you and me, in an old tree
I see leaves fall for you, like me
And I think to myself
Will you mar-ry me?
Audience: Oh Yeah!
Bull: That was beautiful. (Wipes his nose and makes a sniffling sound.)
Lucky: May, how would you rate that one on a scale of one to five? (May responds and you can adlib with her.) Thank you, you can take your seat. Can we have another round of applause for May?
Bull: (Still sniffling.) Man, when is the future Mrs. Lucky Charm …
Audience: He’s terribly delicious!
Bull: (Turns and points at audience person!)… going to get here?
Lucky: Soon. She really doesn’t know this is all going down. She thinks she is meeting my bosses and my government customer. I told her that this get together is to celebrate the fact that our proposal was selected by the customer to continue another four years of work.
Bull: But the winner hasn’t been announced yet!
Sue: You mean you lied to her?
Lucky: NO….sometimes you have to stretch the truth when you’re planning a big surprise.
Sue: And what if you lose the proposal?
Lucky: There is no way, unless someone in the government helped our competitors. Right, Bull?
Bull: Oh man, you know it! Our proposal actually won a year ago but there were protests by a couple other companies. So the rumor has it we should learn something today.
Lucky: Perfect timing.
Sue: If you win!
Lucky: Sue, the other companies protested because our proposal’s costs were several millions dollars less than their proposal costs. They cried foul and said that the proposal had to be poorly written because they didn’t understand it. If they didn’t understand the work the first time, what makes you think they will get it right the second time?
Sue: Blah, blah, blah…I don’t know anything about government contracts but I do know the government and nothing works as it should.
Lucky: I would be worried if we weren’t doing such a good job. We provide excellent support. And at our last review, we received a 98.1375% customer satisfaction rating; we are low bidder; we have a technically superior proposal; and of 1,000 deliverables over the last year, we have never been late!
Sue: (Fast pace.) You still lost.
Bull: No, it was protested. There’s a difference.
Sue: Do you have the contract in hand?
Bull: Well, no, man!
Sue: Then you lost!
Lucky: Don’t argue with her, Bull. She can be scary when she gets this way.
Bull: She’s scary anyway! (To Sue) Just so you know, some of Lucky’s friends from the government are here tonight.
Sue: I know!
Bull: You want to meet them?
Sue: Sure do. I would love to meet his friends who called him on weekends, week nights at all hours…..
Lucky: It’s part of the job, Sue.
Sue: But, it wasn’t in the proposal, was it?!
Lucky: No, but it’s my job.
Sue: Did you ever think about saying no?
Lucky: I can’t!
Sue: You realize there is a cause and effect for everything you do. When you get married you will need to cut back or there will be horrible consequences.
Lucky: You know I’m a workaholic!
Sue: Nobody, nobody likes feeling second, Lucky. Especially your wife. Just remember, I warned you.
Lucky: I’m not going to fight with you! Not tonight!!
Bull: Hey, man. Calm down – both of you. If I didn’t know better, I would say you two were married. Lucky, my man, go steal a drink from one of the guests and chill out! And you – She-Devil! Do you still want to meet Lucky’s friends?
Sue: Of course!
Bull: Well, you have to promise not to kill any of them.
Sue: No. (Lucky gets microphone and bring it to wherever Callie is.)
Bull: Oh, man! This is going to be a long night. Can I have Callie…Callie Mari, please stand! Sue and everyone else here would like to meet you. (Adlib to get Callie Mari to stand). Ah, there you are. Glad you’re here tonight.
Callie: I’m happy too. Lucky is very lucky to have such a night.
Lucky: Callie, I am so glad you’re here. I didn’t even see you. I guess I was very focused on trying to figure out how to ask my girl to marry me.
Callie: I saw. The first attempt was terrible. But the last one was not too bad!
Sue: I want to know…
Lucky: Sue! Callie, can you show me how you would propose?
Callie: Very well, come over here, Bull. I’ve always thought you were cute!
Bull: Wish I could say the same about you.
Callie: Ahhh Bull, you were always such a kidder.
Bull: That’s me, man, a laugh a minute.
Callie: (Pull Bull in really close to you and speak like Marilyn Monroe sings happy birthday.) Hello, big boy, how would you like to go to Vegas and get married?
Bull: How about we just go to Vegas and have some fun but leave the marriage bit to Lucky?
Callie: Done.
Bull: We can leave right after Lucky Charm…
Audience: He’s terribly delicious!
Bull: That’s really annoying! … gets engaged.
Callie: (Said passionately.) Ohhhh, you really know how to charm a girl.
Sue: I think I’m going to be sick.
Bull: Bathrooms are that way!
Sue: Thanks! Callie, tell everyone here one unforgettable thing about Lucky.
Callie: Well, he was at work, it was a Saturday morning. We were on a conference call and right in the middle of this technical discussion we hear this noise that sounds like a jet engine. Lucky had fallen asleep with his microphone on and was snoring. (Make a snoring sound.)
Bull: Man, I remember that! It was so loud – (Audience should say, “How loud was it?” If not, adlib and get them to say it. Practice it until they do and then redo the line.) It registered 4.5 on the Richter scale. (Rim shot) Thank you, I’ll be here all night!
Sue: Thanks Bull! But Callie, I wanted something heartwarming not embarrassing about Lucky.
Bull: Sorry, Sue, most of what Lucky does is embarrassing.
Callie: We call those Luckyisms! (Enter Lequila and Cash)
Sue: Bull!
Bull: Ok, that is enough fun at Lucky’s expense. Callie, why don’t you take a seat? Everyone, Callie Mari. She’s the boss of the government project. And I saw the second in command, Les Relevant. He’s here somewhere. Stand up, Les. Can we have a big round of applause for each of them?
Lucky: Thanks for coming. I really appreciate it!
Sue: (Notices Lequila and Cash.) Lucky, who are they? (Points at Lequila and Cash. Lequila and Cash wave back.)
Lucky: Government workers! The worst kind.
Sue: Friends of yours?
Lucky: Well…!
Bull: Oh man, cut the political correct crap! They’re not!
Sue: Did either of you invite them here?
Bull/Lucky: No!
Sue: Good. (Heads over to them.)
Bull: Lucky?
Lucky: Sue?
Sue: (Holds up hand to stop them from talking.)
Lucky: Oh, crap!
Lequila: Hi, sweetie!
Sue: I’m not your sweetie! You do know that this is a private party for “friends” only.
Lequila: Of course we know that! Why else would we be here?
Sue: What’s your name?
Lequila: Oh honey, that doesn’t matter. What matters is we’re here and the party can start.
Cash: Yeah, the party can start!
Sue: (Irritated) Name!
Lequila: (Pauses looks at her!) Lequila.
Cash: She’s Lequila!
Sue: I wonder how many tequila shots it took to produce you!?
Cash: Why you…
Sue: Shut up! Last name!
Lequila: Lyme.
Sue: (Stop Cash from saying anything.) Spell it!
Lequila: L-y-m-e!
Sue: Ha! Right, like the disease. Spread by blood sucking government ticks!
Lucky: Sue, it’s ok. She can stay!
Sue: Who’s the other one?
Cash: The other one is me and I’m Cash Money. I work on the contract that Lucky is on.
Sue: Were you invited?
Cash: Yes, we received an invitation inviting us to tonight’s party.
Sue: Liar! I sent the invitations and neither of you were on it! You need to leave…now!
Lequila: What do you do, honey?
Sue: I stay home and raise my children!
Lequila: Another house wife who couldn’t make it in the big time!
Sue: Big time???!!!
Cash: See house wife, its fine! Go away.
Sue: The only person going away will be you. As I throw your government privileged asses out the door!
Bull: Sue, let it go. They’re here, man, and that’s just the way it has to be.
Sue: Bull, stay out of this! (To Lequila)You don’t like any of the people here! So, why did you come!?
Lequila: Because, sweetie – we want to watch the fireworks!
Cash: Yeah, fireworks!
Lucky: We don’t have any fireworks.
Cash: We know…at least not yet. (Chuckling, Cash and Lequila move off to the side.)
Sue: (Goes after Cash and Lequila. Bull grabs her and carries her away.) Put me down! Put me down!
Trust: (Come running in.) Wait, wait, wait….don’t ask her yet. (Comes in and stops, looks around.) Oh damn, did I miss the proposal?
Bull: No.
Sue: Who’s this?
Bull: Miss Trust.
Trust: Who are you?
Sue: Sue Sorry!
Trust: Where is everyone? (See Lequila and Cash) Why are the ticks here?
Cash: Fireworks!
Trust: Fireworks? (Said like I can’t believe you.) Ohhhhhhh! No, no, no, no! You know, fireworks are made by the Chinese. I bet each one has a mini microphone in it and they are listening to us right now.
Cash: Wow! She’s 99 cents short of a dollar!
Trust: Lucky, did (Pointing at the government workers.) they bring the fireworks?
Lucky: No!… (Realizing this could be fun.)..ahhhh, I mean – yes! They did bring them!
Sue: What are you doing?
Lucky: Unleashing the hound.
Bull: Trust! They work on our contract.
Trust: (Heading over to them in a menacing manor.) Names?
Sue: Lequila and Cash.
Trust: One communist and one Maoist!
Lucky: Get this, Trust, they weren’t even invited!
Cash: Not true, we were invited!
Trust: Oh, they are up to something and I bet it has something to do with economic instability of gold. You know the banks are suppressing the price of gold!
Bull: Cash works in finance. Maybe you should go and ask him?!
Trust: Good idea. I will. (Heads towards Lequila and Cash.)
Sue: Are you sure this is wise?
Lucky: No, but it should be a hell of a lot of fun.
Trust: Lequila and Cash.
Cash: Yes?
Trust: I hear you’re responsible for the Chinese fireworks that have the microphones embedded in them.
Lequila: Sweetie, I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.
Trust: I’m for damn sure not your sweetie!
Cash: Wait! What do you mean Chinese fireworks? Lequila, did you bring any fireworks?
Lequila: No, did you?
Cash: No.
Lequila: So, (To Trust.) honey! You must have brought them because we don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
Trust: Don’t honey me. I’m wise to your communist plots. You’re here to take pictures of all of us and sell them to the Russian and Chinese governments.
Lequila: Baby, what’s your problem?
Trust: Don’t baby me either! I’m a full grown woman! Didn’t you say that you came to see fireworks?
Cash: Oh baby! So, that’s what this is about. Yes, we did say that! But, not in the physical sense.
Trust: So, you’re calling me stupid now!?
Lequila: We didn’t.
Cash: No, she didn’t!
Trust: I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to twist my words around so they don’t mean what I say they mean and (to audience) “they” can’t understand the meaning of what I’ve said.
Lequila: I don’t think “they” know what you mean! Hell, I don’t even know what you mean!
Cash: Listen, Trust…
Trust: No! You listen, tick!! In my family, I’m known as a conspiracy theorist. I’m responsible for creating the impossible out of the possible.
Cash: What the hell does that even mean?
Trust: For example, you being here tonight is impossible but yet here you are which makes it possible which means, that something impossible is going to be possible. What’s wrong, Cash Money, did you misplace the government funds again? And you, Boot Lick girl….
Lucky: Trust, that will do. Sorry, Lequila, she gets excited now and then! As you can see, she has trust issues.
Lequila: I don’t care. I want her gone.
Cash: Gone.
Bull: I don’t think so! This is a private function.
Cash: He’s right, Lequila! At least, for now.
Sound Cue: (Phone Rings! Lucky answers it.)
Trust: They need to put on some tin foil hats. I don’t want them reading anyone’s minds.
Cash: We can’t read minds!
Trust: See, that is what I was thinking you would say. Here you have to wear these or we will throw you out! (Puts tin hats on their heads.)
Lucky: (Lucky hangs up.) What are we going to do?
Trust: Don’t worry, Lucky. I put tin foil hats on their heads so they can’t read our minds anymore. On second thought, maybe everyone should wear one.
Bull: What’s up?
Lequila: (She knows what the call is about.) Something the matter, Lucky?
Lucky: Bull, Trust….we lost the proposal!
Bull: There’s no way.
Sue: What does this mean?
Trust: It means we just lost our jobs.
Bull: Oh man, that’s all of us!
Lequila: Fireworks!
Cash: Brilliant! (Hand gestures like fireworks going off!) Poof!....Boom!!!!!
Trust: Lucky, did you hear what they said?
Lequila: Of course he heard. I didn’t stutter.
Cash: How does it feel to have your acorns in a vise?
Lequila: Come on, Cash.
Cash: Coming!
Trust: Proposal, proposal, oh crap…. the proposal!
Sue: I know, he lost.
Trust: No, he is supposed to propose tonight.
Sue: Yeah, so what?
Trust: He doesn’t have a job.
Sue: Oh crap. Lucky!?
Lucky: I heard her. I can’t do it with no job.
Bull: But man, she doesn’t know you are proposing tonight, right?
Sue: Right! He told her it was a work function.
Bull: So, if you don’t propose she will never know that you were going to propose.
Cash: More fireworks.
Lequila: This is better than I dreamed.
Sue: Lucky works all the time – right?
Trust: Right.
Sue: Have him call and tell her that he has to work late.
Bull: Brilliant!
Trust: I’ll have his back in case she asks. It makes more sense for me to be working late than you, Bull!
Sue: Lucky….
Lucky: Already on it. (Lucky pulls out phone. Walks away.)
Trust: This isn’t good. I know you guys think I’m nuts but I think Lequila and Cash knew.
Sue: What do you want to do?
Trust: Revenge! (Evil laugh….then yelling across the room) Lucky, hey, I need some help with this network interface.
Lucky: Be right there, Trust. Gotta go! See you when I get home. Love you!
Trust: Hurry up, Lucky!
Lucky: No, no, no! Don’t go to the party without me. (Pause) Ahhhhhhhhh….
Sue: It was cancelled due to work!
Lucky: Yeeeesssssss! (Acknowledges Sue.) Hey honey, it was cancelled because of work! Now, I’ve gotta go. Bye. (Hangs up.)
Cash: Bull, are you having fun yet?
Bull: Shut up, Cash. Everyone, we need information. Callie, Les - did either of you know about this? Forget it. I am sure you are going to want to make some phone calls and find out exactly what is happening. Callie and Les, please follow me and I will show you where you can make a private call. (Get Callie to leave with you. Bull will prep Callie for her big death scene. Les can watch. Show her how to use the knife and release the red thin scarf. The red thin scarf is simulated blood running from the wound. Have Callie practice releasing the scarf. As Callie leaves she will enter holding her abdomen. The scarf and knife will be held against her abdomen. Callie will have a red scarf that slips between her finger tips like blood running out of her. She does her big death scene and ends up in her chair.)
Lequila: Isn’t this so exciting? Callie looks a little confused.
Cash: Les has become even more “less relevant”! (Laughing.) See what I did there? I made a joke. A joke at their expense. Paybacks are fun.
Lequila: I don’t think Callie expected Lucky’s company, Casanova Consulting, to lose. What do you think?
Cash: Definitely not. She shouldn’t have made us do all the work. You know how much we hate to do our job.
Sue: Lucky, I am going to go out to my car and get few things. I’ll be right back.
Lucky: This is a disaster. It looks like Trust was right. The impossible has happened with the possible.
Bull: Lucky, Callie needs Sterling Puddles and Sir Valence to come back. Now! Can you send them back?
Lucky: Sure thing. Sterling Puddles and Sir Valence, will you please stand up and join Bull, Callie and Les? (Adlib to get them to come up and head off stage.) Bull, they are on their way back.
Bull: Thank you!
Cash: Lequila?
Lequila: Yes, dear?
Cash: Let’s go! It’s a little too hot in here right now. (Cash and Lequila leave.)
Lequila: I know the fireworks were brief but they have a lifelong effect.
Lucky: Trust, I think we need to take a little break. Can you handle the guests? I need to take care of few things. (Lucky leaves.)
Trust: Well, everyone, I don’t think Lucky’s lucky charm….
Audience: He’s terribly delicious!
Trust: How would you know? (Move towards audience member who is saying “He’s terribly delicious.” and adlib calling him out. Who do you think you are? What do you know?) There’s a heckler in every show. (Start moving towards exit.) I bet the playwright put you up to this, didn’t he? Don’t answer, don’t care. You were probably hired by Lequila and Cash to ruin the evening. (As Callie enters she is holding her abdomen. The scarf and knife will be held against her. Callie will run into Trust. As Trust leaves, she runs into Callie.) Why’d you give me a knife? (Acting crazy.) She’s been stabbed! Stabbed, I tell you! Stabbed! (Callie acts out her big death scene.) Everyone, get in here fast. I’ve been framed! (Everyone runs back in, including Les Relevant, Sir Valence and Sterling Puddles. Bull is responsible for Les, Sir and Sterling. Bull tells them to run back to their seats.) I didn’t do it. I tell you that I didn’t do it.
Lequila: What do you want, you half-baked crackpot?
Trust: Callie’s been stabbed. I didn’t do it. I know it looks like I did it but I didn’t. It is a conspiracy to make me look guilty. You’re trying to get rid of me! I think we need to call the police!
Cash: No police, just put a sign on her that says “dead”. Clean up the mess and we will deal with her after the break. (Everyone leaves but Lequila and Cash.) I’m hungry, aren’t you, Lequila?
Trust: But she’s your boss! Don’t you care?
Lequila: No and good riddance! (Walks out.) Coming, Cash? (Cash follows.)
Cash: Coming…..and good riddance!
Trust: (Adlib this part as you make sure Callie gets back in to her chair and you hang the sign on her that says “I’m dead”.) (To audience.) I hope you don’t mind eating with the dead. You know the government is experimenting on creating Zombies! They want to make an army….
Bull: (From off stage.) Trust, get back here!
Trust: Gotta go. Enjoy the break. (Leaves and sticks head back in.) Hey! Nobody touch the body because we’ll need to examine it after intermission! And you Callie, since you’re a Zombie, don’t bite anyone (Disappears.)
INTERMISSION
SO ENDS THIS PERUSAL COPY OF PROPOSAL IS MURDER
The possession of this PERUSAL SCRIPT does not grant performance rights to this play. Proper application must be made to SCOTT CHERNEY/ PLAYWRIGHT REPRESENTATIVE at: writtenbysc@gmail.com before performances may be given. Do not duplicate this script without license or written permission.
Proposal
Is
Murder
Written by Terry Smith
Copyright Protection
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
This play (the “Play”) is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, whether through bilateral or multilateral treaties or otherwise, and including, but not limited to, all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention, and the Berne Convention.
Reservation of Rights. All rights to this Play are strictly reserved, including, without limitation, professional and amateur stage performance rights; motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video, and sound recording rights; rights to all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction now known or yet to be invented, such as CD-ROM, CD-I, DVD, photocopying, and information storage and retrieval systems; and the rights of translation into non-English languages.
Performance Licensing and Royalty Payments. Amateur and stock performance rights to this Play are controlled exclusively by Terry Smith (The “Playwright”). No amateur or stock production groups or individuals may perform this Play without obtaining advance written permission from the Playwright. Required royalty fees for performing this Play can be obtained from the Playwright. Although this book may have been obtained for a particular licensed performance, such performance rights, if any, are not transferable. Required royalties must be paid every time the Play is performed before any audience, whether or not it is presented for profit and whether or not admission is charged.
All licensing requests and inquiries concerning amateur and stock performance rights should be addressed to the following:
Scott Cherney/Playwright Representative 1189 NE 89th Ave. Hillsboro, OR 97006 writtenbysc@gmail.com or the author:
Terry Smith
111 Peyton Road
Sterling, VA 20165
Restriction of Alterations. There shall be no deletions, alterations, or changes of any kind made to the Play, the cutting of dialogue, or the alteration of objectionable language, unless directly authorized by the Playwright. The title of the Play shall not be altered.
Cast of Characters
Lucky Charm: (Male: Groom) Lucky is a workaholic who always answers his cell phone. He is a proper Southern gentleman complete with accent and southern charm, but don’t make him mad. He is a slow simmering pot, ready to boil at any time.
Sue Sorry: (Female: Best man) Lucky’s lifetime best friend. There is a unique bond of “family” between them and she will defend Lucky to the death. A smart woman, with a little bit of leftover Valley Girl from a long time ago.
Bull Stock: (Male: Engineer) Lucky’s boss and also a friend for three years. A brilliant, but burned out engineer, he is a little bit of a hippie, spends a lot of time during the work day checking out his stocks and is not one to sugar coat his feelings or mince words.
Miss Trust: (Female – Conspiracy Theorist) A co-worker of Lucky’s, she thinks everything is a conspiracy. A little crazy, a “close talker” and she tends to twist all the facts around to create her own truth. The only thing missing is her tin foil hat!
Lequila Lyme: (Female – Government Contractor) She is unhappy with her job and feels she is unfairly blamed by upper management for everything that goes wrong on the program. She condescendingly calls people “Honey”, “Sweetie Pie” and “Sugar”. Her lack of job knowledge becomes obvious during meetings when she can’t answer questions, but instead repeats the questions then pivots to another subject. Happens all the time.
Cash Money: (Male – Government Financier) He handles the money and the contracts for the program. He tends to worry about the small problems and disregards more urgent matters. Plays the victim card when he feels bullied and will happily pin the blame on anyone else when it suits him.
Audience Roles
May Yes: (Female: Proposal Volunteer) May Yes is an audience volunteer used during the proposal scene. Lucky and Bull practice proposing to her. Requires a name sheet. No script
Callie Mari: (Female: PMO – Lines/Victim) Callie Mari is the government employee program manager for the contract that Lucky works on. Has lines and dies at end of Act One. She dies in Trust’s arms.
Les Relevant: (Male: DPM – No Lines/Victim) Les Relevant dies at start of Act Two. Has no lines and dies in Sue’s arms.
Sterling Puddles: (Male: Enterprise services - Lines) Sterling Puddles is responsible for the overall running of the system that Lucky and Bull work on. He has a good working relationship with Lucky and has spent many hours working problems together. For years, Lequila and Cash have pushed you around and you are starting to get tired of it.
Sir Valence: (Male: Security Manager – Lines/Victim) Sir Valence is a man trapped in a woman’s body. At least that is what YOU believe. You have lowered your voice so people think you are a man. You are responsible for the security of the computer.
Steve Belcher: (Male: Prophylactic’s Owner - Lines) Steve Belcher is the owner of the company who won the contract that Lucky was working on. He has personnel ties to Lequila and Cash. He is a snake in the grass and will stop at nothing to get what he wants.
Honey Combs: Lucky’s fiancée.
Audience Role: This person has one job and that is to yell out a line when they hear the phrase Lucky Charm. They are to say “He’s terribly delicious.”
Audience Role: This person has one job and that is to yell out a line after they hear the proposal by Lucky Charm. They are to say “Oh Yeah!” In the tune of Louis Armstrong “What a Wonderful World”
Audience Role: This person has one job and that is to yell out a line when prompted by Bull. They are to say “How loud was it?”
ACT ONE
Lucky: (Lucky enters and starts working the crowd. He talks to the people and thanks them for being there. This is an adlib section where it is one on one with a table. Mic is not up. Lucky moves as far away from the entrance as he can.)
Bull: (Bull enters and asks a table if they have seen Lucky. He notices Lucky over across the room.) Lucky….Lucky, Lucky Charm
Audience: He’s terribly delicious!
Bull: (To audience.) Really? – Lucky, over here!!!! (Bull crosses to Lucky.) Hey man, look at all these people. (Chuckling) I didn’t know you had this many friends.
Lucky: (Said in disbelief.) Neither, did I! Bull, how much did you pay them to get them here?
Bull: Oh man, not that much. Just told them that the booze was free.
Lucky: But it’s not.
Bull: I know, man! That’s the beauty of it. They don’t know! So, you had better get this proposal thing done quickly and run - before they find out and kill you!
Lucky: Oh crap, you’re kidding, right?
Bull: Of course…of course I am….or am I? (To the audience.) Hey man, did any of you expect to get free booze tonight, raise your hand! (Look around) See man, at least some came tonight to be part of your special evening. Your big adventure! (Keeps on talking while Lucky tries to interrupt.)
Lucky: I…
Bull: Your big step off the cliff.
Lucky: I…
Bull: The end of the line! (Looking at Lucky like why aren’t you stopping me?)
Lucky: (Crosses arms and looks at him.)
Bull: The ol’ ball and chain. (To audience person.) He’s not interrupting me. (Turns to face Lucky.) Aren’t you going to interrupt me?
Lucky: No.
Bull: Why not?
Lucky: Ah, because for you, my friend, it is the end. But, for me, it’s just the beginning
Bull: Wow, man! (Thinks a minute.) Hey, that’s really good. You should tell the playwright!
Lucky: Give it a rest, Bull!
Bull: Whoa man, you’re not getting clay feet, are ya?
Lucky: That’s cold feet! And no. Just wondering if all of this hoopla is really necessary.
Bull: You know your girl!
Lucky: Yes, I know my girl.
Bull: Well? (Pause, they look at each other.)
Both: It’s necessary.
Bull: So, let’s get that elephant off your shoulder.
Lucky: That’s chip off your shoulder….but, on the other hand, elephant is probably a better analogy.
Bull: You know, I’ve been thinking about this. How you gonna ask her?
Lucky: What?
Bull: You know, how are you going pop the question, man? I’ve set the mood (Couple measures of tubular bells). I’ve arranged for cheering. (to audience) Everyone, help me out with cheering, whaaaaa! Again, whaaaaa! Do you hear that? They’re cheering you on, man! So, I got you here, I got them here, and soon the future Mrs. Lucky Charm…
Audience: He’s terribly delicious.
Bull: (Just shake head.)….will be here. Now all we need is the perfect question. Lay it on me!
Lucky: Lay what on you?
Bull: The question, man, the question!
Lucky: Oh, that question. How about something like this: Will you marry me?
Bull: Hell no! That was just…terrible! Such a dismal display of the male imagination. You’ve never done this before, have you?
Lucky: No, first time.
Bull: I can tell. (Pausing and getting an idea.) Wait a minute! I have an idea.
Lucky: Oh no, you don’t. The last time you had an idea I had to work for 48 hours straight. (fast pace)
Bull: I brought you a hoagie.
Lucky: It was stale.
Bull: That was a long time ago.
Lucky: Wednesday!?
Bull: Stop it, man. You’re getting me confused!!! (Slow pace back down.)
Lucky: Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday!
Bull: STTOOPPP IT!!! (Pause and regain composure.) Lucky! We have more important things to do than to talk about your stale hoagie. (Give a seductive look. Scan the audience.) Let me think. Ah yes, I was talking to a May Yes earlier this evening. May, will you stand? Come on up and join us. (Ad lib to get her up to a highly visible spot.) How are you? Have you ever had a stale hoagie?
Lucky: Bull!
Bull: Apparently Lucky doesn’t like them. Now May, I have brought you up to help Lucky with his “little” problem. So, I need you to stand here and Lucky, my man, is going to ask you to marry him. Afterwards, you can rate him. Go ahead, Lucky, show us your best stuff!
Lucky: (walks over and says.) Will you marry me?
Bull: (Sue enters and stands off to the side.) Oh. My. God! If I were her, I would reach out and slap you. (Look at the audience person.) Where’s the romance, the fire, the love? Where’s anything? May! On a scale of one to five, with five being perfect, how would you rate that? (Wait for May to respond. Repeat answer to audience.) And Lucky, what did you think?
Lucky: I thought it was a four.
Bull: Oh, man! Your wedding night is going to be a shamble with passion like this!
Lucky: Let me try it again. (Turns to audience person and gets on one knee and asks.) “Will you marry me?”
Bull: Don’t! Don’t!! Don’t!!! …. Don’t!!!!! Answer that! Oh man, that was close. I just realized that if she had answered, you would be engaged to her. Luckily, I stopped her before she did.
Sue: Lucky indeed.
Bull: Good thing he has me for his lucky charm!
Audience: He’s terribly delicious!
Bull: (Gives audience person a raspberry.) Pfffffft!!
Lucky: Sue, you’re here. Sue Sorry – Bull Stock, Bull Stock – Sue Sorry. I’m so glad you’re here. Thank you. You can be seated. Can we have a big round of applause for May? (Send audience member back to their seat.) Sue! Bull has been helping me figure out how to propose with the help of May Yes.
Sue: I noticed.
Lucky: What’d you think?
Sue: Well, in a word, it was terrible.
Bull: Hey babe, that’s what I said.
Sue: Babe? Babe! You call me babe again and you’ll be choking on your babes! Got it!
Bull: Back off, she-devil!
Sue: (Mockingly to Bull) Tell me, babe! How many times have you asked someone to marry you?
Bull: Seven, why?
Lucky: Sue, maybe we should listen to him. He seems to have a lot of experience.
Sue: Yes, so it would seem. Alright, Bull, how many times have you been married?
Bull: That’s not important.
Sue: Really? Very well! Let’s get May Yes back up here to help us out. May Yes, would you please join us? (Ad lib to get her back on stage.) May, why don’t you stand right here and Bull will demonstrate his award winning proposal technique. (Bull looks a little worried.) Go ahead and work your magic or are you afraid you’ll…. (makes a choking sound)!
Lucky: Sue, is this a good idea?
Sue: (Lucky gets the hand held mic.) Trust me, you’re going to learn a lot. Go ahead, Bull.
Bull: (To audience volunteer.) May, are you ready for this? (As Elvis Presley) Hey baby, let’s go for a walk. (They take a couple steps.) It’s a beautiful night, don’t you think? It’s a night that is meant to be the beginning of something incredible. (He spins, drops to a knee.) Baby, oh baby…mama baby, will you marry the king?
Sue: (To audience member.) No! No!! NO!!! HELL No!!!! First of all, she isn’t your baby! Second of all, she’s not your momma baby! You need to warm her up a little. Sprinkle a little magic fairy dust around.
Lucky: Hold on, Sue, I think I got it. Bull, will you help by putting May in a chair where everyone can see her? (Bull escorts her to a seat but whispers in her ear that she is to respond to Lucky’s marriage proposal by singing in the style of Louis Armstrong, Oh yeah.). I think that I understand now. It isn’t just about saying the words. It’s about the magic that surrounds each word. Otherwise, they’re just words. Let me try. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us on this very, very special evening. I could talk for hours about this astounding woman who has brightened my days and warmed my nights - but in truth, I would rather show you, and most importantly her, how much I really love her. (Move to the side of the chair to provide best blocking.) Honey, I know how much you idolize Louis Armstrong and although I am not him, nor am I William Shakespeare, these words come from my heart and I hope … that they will find their way into yours. (Sung in the style of Louis Armstrong, to melody of What a Wonderful World.)
I see you and me, in an old tree
I see leaves fall for you, like me
And I think to myself
Will you mar-ry me?
Audience: Oh Yeah!
Bull: That was beautiful. (Wipes his nose and makes a sniffling sound.)
Lucky: May, how would you rate that one on a scale of one to five? (May responds and you can adlib with her.) Thank you, you can take your seat. Can we have another round of applause for May?
Bull: (Still sniffling.) Man, when is the future Mrs. Lucky Charm …
Audience: He’s terribly delicious!
Bull: (Turns and points at audience person!)… going to get here?
Lucky: Soon. She really doesn’t know this is all going down. She thinks she is meeting my bosses and my government customer. I told her that this get together is to celebrate the fact that our proposal was selected by the customer to continue another four years of work.
Bull: But the winner hasn’t been announced yet!
Sue: You mean you lied to her?
Lucky: NO….sometimes you have to stretch the truth when you’re planning a big surprise.
Sue: And what if you lose the proposal?
Lucky: There is no way, unless someone in the government helped our competitors. Right, Bull?
Bull: Oh man, you know it! Our proposal actually won a year ago but there were protests by a couple other companies. So the rumor has it we should learn something today.
Lucky: Perfect timing.
Sue: If you win!
Lucky: Sue, the other companies protested because our proposal’s costs were several millions dollars less than their proposal costs. They cried foul and said that the proposal had to be poorly written because they didn’t understand it. If they didn’t understand the work the first time, what makes you think they will get it right the second time?
Sue: Blah, blah, blah…I don’t know anything about government contracts but I do know the government and nothing works as it should.
Lucky: I would be worried if we weren’t doing such a good job. We provide excellent support. And at our last review, we received a 98.1375% customer satisfaction rating; we are low bidder; we have a technically superior proposal; and of 1,000 deliverables over the last year, we have never been late!
Sue: (Fast pace.) You still lost.
Bull: No, it was protested. There’s a difference.
Sue: Do you have the contract in hand?
Bull: Well, no, man!
Sue: Then you lost!
Lucky: Don’t argue with her, Bull. She can be scary when she gets this way.
Bull: She’s scary anyway! (To Sue) Just so you know, some of Lucky’s friends from the government are here tonight.
Sue: I know!
Bull: You want to meet them?
Sue: Sure do. I would love to meet his friends who called him on weekends, week nights at all hours…..
Lucky: It’s part of the job, Sue.
Sue: But, it wasn’t in the proposal, was it?!
Lucky: No, but it’s my job.
Sue: Did you ever think about saying no?
Lucky: I can’t!
Sue: You realize there is a cause and effect for everything you do. When you get married you will need to cut back or there will be horrible consequences.
Lucky: You know I’m a workaholic!
Sue: Nobody, nobody likes feeling second, Lucky. Especially your wife. Just remember, I warned you.
Lucky: I’m not going to fight with you! Not tonight!!
Bull: Hey, man. Calm down – both of you. If I didn’t know better, I would say you two were married. Lucky, my man, go steal a drink from one of the guests and chill out! And you – She-Devil! Do you still want to meet Lucky’s friends?
Sue: Of course!
Bull: Well, you have to promise not to kill any of them.
Sue: No. (Lucky gets microphone and bring it to wherever Callie is.)
Bull: Oh, man! This is going to be a long night. Can I have Callie…Callie Mari, please stand! Sue and everyone else here would like to meet you. (Adlib to get Callie Mari to stand). Ah, there you are. Glad you’re here tonight.
Callie: I’m happy too. Lucky is very lucky to have such a night.
Lucky: Callie, I am so glad you’re here. I didn’t even see you. I guess I was very focused on trying to figure out how to ask my girl to marry me.
Callie: I saw. The first attempt was terrible. But the last one was not too bad!
Sue: I want to know…
Lucky: Sue! Callie, can you show me how you would propose?
Callie: Very well, come over here, Bull. I’ve always thought you were cute!
Bull: Wish I could say the same about you.
Callie: Ahhh Bull, you were always such a kidder.
Bull: That’s me, man, a laugh a minute.
Callie: (Pull Bull in really close to you and speak like Marilyn Monroe sings happy birthday.) Hello, big boy, how would you like to go to Vegas and get married?
Bull: How about we just go to Vegas and have some fun but leave the marriage bit to Lucky?
Callie: Done.
Bull: We can leave right after Lucky Charm…
Audience: He’s terribly delicious!
Bull: That’s really annoying! … gets engaged.
Callie: (Said passionately.) Ohhhh, you really know how to charm a girl.
Sue: I think I’m going to be sick.
Bull: Bathrooms are that way!
Sue: Thanks! Callie, tell everyone here one unforgettable thing about Lucky.
Callie: Well, he was at work, it was a Saturday morning. We were on a conference call and right in the middle of this technical discussion we hear this noise that sounds like a jet engine. Lucky had fallen asleep with his microphone on and was snoring. (Make a snoring sound.)
Bull: Man, I remember that! It was so loud – (Audience should say, “How loud was it?” If not, adlib and get them to say it. Practice it until they do and then redo the line.) It registered 4.5 on the Richter scale. (Rim shot) Thank you, I’ll be here all night!
Sue: Thanks Bull! But Callie, I wanted something heartwarming not embarrassing about Lucky.
Bull: Sorry, Sue, most of what Lucky does is embarrassing.
Callie: We call those Luckyisms! (Enter Lequila and Cash)
Sue: Bull!
Bull: Ok, that is enough fun at Lucky’s expense. Callie, why don’t you take a seat? Everyone, Callie Mari. She’s the boss of the government project. And I saw the second in command, Les Relevant. He’s here somewhere. Stand up, Les. Can we have a big round of applause for each of them?
Lucky: Thanks for coming. I really appreciate it!
Sue: (Notices Lequila and Cash.) Lucky, who are they? (Points at Lequila and Cash. Lequila and Cash wave back.)
Lucky: Government workers! The worst kind.
Sue: Friends of yours?
Lucky: Well…!
Bull: Oh man, cut the political correct crap! They’re not!
Sue: Did either of you invite them here?
Bull/Lucky: No!
Sue: Good. (Heads over to them.)
Bull: Lucky?
Lucky: Sue?
Sue: (Holds up hand to stop them from talking.)
Lucky: Oh, crap!
Lequila: Hi, sweetie!
Sue: I’m not your sweetie! You do know that this is a private party for “friends” only.
Lequila: Of course we know that! Why else would we be here?
Sue: What’s your name?
Lequila: Oh honey, that doesn’t matter. What matters is we’re here and the party can start.
Cash: Yeah, the party can start!
Sue: (Irritated) Name!
Lequila: (Pauses looks at her!) Lequila.
Cash: She’s Lequila!
Sue: I wonder how many tequila shots it took to produce you!?
Cash: Why you…
Sue: Shut up! Last name!
Lequila: Lyme.
Sue: (Stop Cash from saying anything.) Spell it!
Lequila: L-y-m-e!
Sue: Ha! Right, like the disease. Spread by blood sucking government ticks!
Lucky: Sue, it’s ok. She can stay!
Sue: Who’s the other one?
Cash: The other one is me and I’m Cash Money. I work on the contract that Lucky is on.
Sue: Were you invited?
Cash: Yes, we received an invitation inviting us to tonight’s party.
Sue: Liar! I sent the invitations and neither of you were on it! You need to leave…now!
Lequila: What do you do, honey?
Sue: I stay home and raise my children!
Lequila: Another house wife who couldn’t make it in the big time!
Sue: Big time???!!!
Cash: See house wife, its fine! Go away.
Sue: The only person going away will be you. As I throw your government privileged asses out the door!
Bull: Sue, let it go. They’re here, man, and that’s just the way it has to be.
Sue: Bull, stay out of this! (To Lequila)You don’t like any of the people here! So, why did you come!?
Lequila: Because, sweetie – we want to watch the fireworks!
Cash: Yeah, fireworks!
Lucky: We don’t have any fireworks.
Cash: We know…at least not yet. (Chuckling, Cash and Lequila move off to the side.)
Sue: (Goes after Cash and Lequila. Bull grabs her and carries her away.) Put me down! Put me down!
Trust: (Come running in.) Wait, wait, wait….don’t ask her yet. (Comes in and stops, looks around.) Oh damn, did I miss the proposal?
Bull: No.
Sue: Who’s this?
Bull: Miss Trust.
Trust: Who are you?
Sue: Sue Sorry!
Trust: Where is everyone? (See Lequila and Cash) Why are the ticks here?
Cash: Fireworks!
Trust: Fireworks? (Said like I can’t believe you.) Ohhhhhhh! No, no, no, no! You know, fireworks are made by the Chinese. I bet each one has a mini microphone in it and they are listening to us right now.
Cash: Wow! She’s 99 cents short of a dollar!
Trust: Lucky, did (Pointing at the government workers.) they bring the fireworks?
Lucky: No!… (Realizing this could be fun.)..ahhhh, I mean – yes! They did bring them!
Sue: What are you doing?
Lucky: Unleashing the hound.
Bull: Trust! They work on our contract.
Trust: (Heading over to them in a menacing manor.) Names?
Sue: Lequila and Cash.
Trust: One communist and one Maoist!
Lucky: Get this, Trust, they weren’t even invited!
Cash: Not true, we were invited!
Trust: Oh, they are up to something and I bet it has something to do with economic instability of gold. You know the banks are suppressing the price of gold!
Bull: Cash works in finance. Maybe you should go and ask him?!
Trust: Good idea. I will. (Heads towards Lequila and Cash.)
Sue: Are you sure this is wise?
Lucky: No, but it should be a hell of a lot of fun.
Trust: Lequila and Cash.
Cash: Yes?
Trust: I hear you’re responsible for the Chinese fireworks that have the microphones embedded in them.
Lequila: Sweetie, I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.
Trust: I’m for damn sure not your sweetie!
Cash: Wait! What do you mean Chinese fireworks? Lequila, did you bring any fireworks?
Lequila: No, did you?
Cash: No.
Lequila: So, (To Trust.) honey! You must have brought them because we don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.
Trust: Don’t honey me. I’m wise to your communist plots. You’re here to take pictures of all of us and sell them to the Russian and Chinese governments.
Lequila: Baby, what’s your problem?
Trust: Don’t baby me either! I’m a full grown woman! Didn’t you say that you came to see fireworks?
Cash: Oh baby! So, that’s what this is about. Yes, we did say that! But, not in the physical sense.
Trust: So, you’re calling me stupid now!?
Lequila: We didn’t.
Cash: No, she didn’t!
Trust: I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to twist my words around so they don’t mean what I say they mean and (to audience) “they” can’t understand the meaning of what I’ve said.
Lequila: I don’t think “they” know what you mean! Hell, I don’t even know what you mean!
Cash: Listen, Trust…
Trust: No! You listen, tick!! In my family, I’m known as a conspiracy theorist. I’m responsible for creating the impossible out of the possible.
Cash: What the hell does that even mean?
Trust: For example, you being here tonight is impossible but yet here you are which makes it possible which means, that something impossible is going to be possible. What’s wrong, Cash Money, did you misplace the government funds again? And you, Boot Lick girl….
Lucky: Trust, that will do. Sorry, Lequila, she gets excited now and then! As you can see, she has trust issues.
Lequila: I don’t care. I want her gone.
Cash: Gone.
Bull: I don’t think so! This is a private function.
Cash: He’s right, Lequila! At least, for now.
Sound Cue: (Phone Rings! Lucky answers it.)
Trust: They need to put on some tin foil hats. I don’t want them reading anyone’s minds.
Cash: We can’t read minds!
Trust: See, that is what I was thinking you would say. Here you have to wear these or we will throw you out! (Puts tin hats on their heads.)
Lucky: (Lucky hangs up.) What are we going to do?
Trust: Don’t worry, Lucky. I put tin foil hats on their heads so they can’t read our minds anymore. On second thought, maybe everyone should wear one.
Bull: What’s up?
Lequila: (She knows what the call is about.) Something the matter, Lucky?
Lucky: Bull, Trust….we lost the proposal!
Bull: There’s no way.
Sue: What does this mean?
Trust: It means we just lost our jobs.
Bull: Oh man, that’s all of us!
Lequila: Fireworks!
Cash: Brilliant! (Hand gestures like fireworks going off!) Poof!....Boom!!!!!
Trust: Lucky, did you hear what they said?
Lequila: Of course he heard. I didn’t stutter.
Cash: How does it feel to have your acorns in a vise?
Lequila: Come on, Cash.
Cash: Coming!
Trust: Proposal, proposal, oh crap…. the proposal!
Sue: I know, he lost.
Trust: No, he is supposed to propose tonight.
Sue: Yeah, so what?
Trust: He doesn’t have a job.
Sue: Oh crap. Lucky!?
Lucky: I heard her. I can’t do it with no job.
Bull: But man, she doesn’t know you are proposing tonight, right?
Sue: Right! He told her it was a work function.
Bull: So, if you don’t propose she will never know that you were going to propose.
Cash: More fireworks.
Lequila: This is better than I dreamed.
Sue: Lucky works all the time – right?
Trust: Right.
Sue: Have him call and tell her that he has to work late.
Bull: Brilliant!
Trust: I’ll have his back in case she asks. It makes more sense for me to be working late than you, Bull!
Sue: Lucky….
Lucky: Already on it. (Lucky pulls out phone. Walks away.)
Trust: This isn’t good. I know you guys think I’m nuts but I think Lequila and Cash knew.
Sue: What do you want to do?
Trust: Revenge! (Evil laugh….then yelling across the room) Lucky, hey, I need some help with this network interface.
Lucky: Be right there, Trust. Gotta go! See you when I get home. Love you!
Trust: Hurry up, Lucky!
Lucky: No, no, no! Don’t go to the party without me. (Pause) Ahhhhhhhhh….
Sue: It was cancelled due to work!
Lucky: Yeeeesssssss! (Acknowledges Sue.) Hey honey, it was cancelled because of work! Now, I’ve gotta go. Bye. (Hangs up.)
Cash: Bull, are you having fun yet?
Bull: Shut up, Cash. Everyone, we need information. Callie, Les - did either of you know about this? Forget it. I am sure you are going to want to make some phone calls and find out exactly what is happening. Callie and Les, please follow me and I will show you where you can make a private call. (Get Callie to leave with you. Bull will prep Callie for her big death scene. Les can watch. Show her how to use the knife and release the red thin scarf. The red thin scarf is simulated blood running from the wound. Have Callie practice releasing the scarf. As Callie leaves she will enter holding her abdomen. The scarf and knife will be held against her abdomen. Callie will have a red scarf that slips between her finger tips like blood running out of her. She does her big death scene and ends up in her chair.)
Lequila: Isn’t this so exciting? Callie looks a little confused.
Cash: Les has become even more “less relevant”! (Laughing.) See what I did there? I made a joke. A joke at their expense. Paybacks are fun.
Lequila: I don’t think Callie expected Lucky’s company, Casanova Consulting, to lose. What do you think?
Cash: Definitely not. She shouldn’t have made us do all the work. You know how much we hate to do our job.
Sue: Lucky, I am going to go out to my car and get few things. I’ll be right back.
Lucky: This is a disaster. It looks like Trust was right. The impossible has happened with the possible.
Bull: Lucky, Callie needs Sterling Puddles and Sir Valence to come back. Now! Can you send them back?
Lucky: Sure thing. Sterling Puddles and Sir Valence, will you please stand up and join Bull, Callie and Les? (Adlib to get them to come up and head off stage.) Bull, they are on their way back.
Bull: Thank you!
Cash: Lequila?
Lequila: Yes, dear?
Cash: Let’s go! It’s a little too hot in here right now. (Cash and Lequila leave.)
Lequila: I know the fireworks were brief but they have a lifelong effect.
Lucky: Trust, I think we need to take a little break. Can you handle the guests? I need to take care of few things. (Lucky leaves.)
Trust: Well, everyone, I don’t think Lucky’s lucky charm….
Audience: He’s terribly delicious!
Trust: How would you know? (Move towards audience member who is saying “He’s terribly delicious.” and adlib calling him out. Who do you think you are? What do you know?) There’s a heckler in every show. (Start moving towards exit.) I bet the playwright put you up to this, didn’t he? Don’t answer, don’t care. You were probably hired by Lequila and Cash to ruin the evening. (As Callie enters she is holding her abdomen. The scarf and knife will be held against her. Callie will run into Trust. As Trust leaves, she runs into Callie.) Why’d you give me a knife? (Acting crazy.) She’s been stabbed! Stabbed, I tell you! Stabbed! (Callie acts out her big death scene.) Everyone, get in here fast. I’ve been framed! (Everyone runs back in, including Les Relevant, Sir Valence and Sterling Puddles. Bull is responsible for Les, Sir and Sterling. Bull tells them to run back to their seats.) I didn’t do it. I tell you that I didn’t do it.
Lequila: What do you want, you half-baked crackpot?
Trust: Callie’s been stabbed. I didn’t do it. I know it looks like I did it but I didn’t. It is a conspiracy to make me look guilty. You’re trying to get rid of me! I think we need to call the police!
Cash: No police, just put a sign on her that says “dead”. Clean up the mess and we will deal with her after the break. (Everyone leaves but Lequila and Cash.) I’m hungry, aren’t you, Lequila?
Trust: But she’s your boss! Don’t you care?
Lequila: No and good riddance! (Walks out.) Coming, Cash? (Cash follows.)
Cash: Coming…..and good riddance!
Trust: (Adlib this part as you make sure Callie gets back in to her chair and you hang the sign on her that says “I’m dead”.) (To audience.) I hope you don’t mind eating with the dead. You know the government is experimenting on creating Zombies! They want to make an army….
Bull: (From off stage.) Trust, get back here!
Trust: Gotta go. Enjoy the break. (Leaves and sticks head back in.) Hey! Nobody touch the body because we’ll need to examine it after intermission! And you Callie, since you’re a Zombie, don’t bite anyone (Disappears.)
INTERMISSION
SO ENDS THIS PERUSAL COPY OF PROPOSAL IS MURDER
The possession of this PERUSAL SCRIPT does not grant performance rights to this play. Proper application must be made to SCOTT CHERNEY/ PLAYWRIGHT REPRESENTATIVE at: writtenbysc@gmail.com before performances may be given. Do not duplicate this script without license or written permission.
