(Lights up on the main village on Ooaheek Island. A hut sits center left with others displayed in the background while a large stone head, not unlike the statues on Easter Island, which represents Raliph, the legendary god of the Fire Mountain, is placed downstage right. The jungle forms the background while upstage dead center a working volcano -though dormant at the moment-is prominently situated. UNCLE ALPO, an elderly island resident, lays in a bamboo lounge chair holding a tanning reflector. The distressed sound of a bird off-stage calling “OO-AH-EEK!” Is heard as a dead fowl falls center stage before Alpo)
ALPO: Stupid birds.
(FRED, a rather boisterous and bombastic island girl in an ill-fitting sarong, enters)
FRED: Uncle Alpo!
ALPO: (startled) What the hey!
FRED: What are you doing?
ALPO: Catching some rays.
FRED: Why do you not help with work?
ALPO: Alpo sick.
FRED: Alpo lazy, you mean.
ALPO: Blow it out nose.
FRED: Where is Roxanne?
ALPO: Not my day to watch her.
FRED: Like I say. Lazy!
ALPO: (sitting up, sighing heavily) Ruin perfectly good tanning session.
FRED: Oh, shush!
ALPO: You shush! You not boss of Alpo! (they argue face-to-face)
(ROXANNE, a lovely and lively island girl, also wearing a sarong but spectacularly as well as an orchid behind her ear, enters carrying a basket. Seeing ALPO and FRED at it again, she rolls her eyes and steps between them like a referee.)
ROXANNE: Whoa now! Time out here! What’s all this about?
ALPO: She start it.
FRED: Nuh-uh!
FRED: Listen, beef jerky, I have had just about enough…
ROXANNE: Knock it off, you two. I won’t have this. We’re family and we have to stick together. There’s only the three of us now. We need each other more than ever and that means we have to get along. Understood?
FRED: Okay, Roxanne. We are sorry. Right, Uncle Alpo?
ALPO: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She sorry, alright.
ROXANNE: (to ALPO) You behave yourself, young man, or else I won’t give you what I have in this basket.
ALPO: Mambo berries? Give!
ROXANNE: Uh-uh! What do you say?
ALPO: Roxanne may I?
ROXANNE: Yes, you may.
ALPO: (takes basket) Ha! Now make more mambo berry juice. This all Alpo got left. (holds up gourd)
ROXANNE: You be careful with that stuff. (aside) Once, Uncle Alpo got so drunk on mambo berry juice, he got engaged to a crocodile.
ALPO: She leave Alpo at altar.
ROXANNE: Poor uncle.
ALPO: Alpo miss her little smile. (drinks)
(The sound of a loud explosion is heard off-stage causing ALPO to perform a classic spit take.)
FRED: It finally happen! Uncle Alpo’s liver blow up!
ALPO: No! It Fire Mountain!
FRED: Fire Mountain!
ROXANNE: Fire Mountain? The volcano’s behind us. That sound came from out in the ocean.
ALPO: No! Fire Mountain ticked off! Roxanne not bring food offering to Raliph, god of Fire Mountain!
ROXANNE: Are we going to have this argument again? I told you before, I am not leaving good food out for this silly superstition of yours ever again. The other night, I left a nice pot roast out and he didn’t even touched it.
(ALPO crosses to statue of Raliph)
ALPO: (to Raliph) Roxanne only kidding, Great Raliph. Make big ha-ha! Now she make big lunch. Sandwich okay?
ROXANNE: He’ll get nothing and like it.
ALPO: No, Roxanne! Bad ju ju! We not bring offering to Raliph, he bring plague, evil spirits or worse. Insurance agents.
ROXANNE: If the Great Raliph wants food from now on, he’ll have to call for takeout. I’ve got a whole drawer full of menus.
ALPO: But Roxanne…
ROXANNE: (sniffs) Hold on a second. I smell rotten bananas.
(WITCH DOCTOR ZHIVAGO, a grinning gargoyle of a human being, enters in a headdress consisting of bananas and feathers and the garb of a dime store shaman. He carries a decorative walking staff with a skull affixed to the top.)
ALPO: Uh oh. Witch Doctor Zhivago.
(ZHIVAGO crosses to Raliph and bows)
ZHIVAGO: O Great Raliph, your loyal subject pays his respects to you, you handsome devil, you. (to ROXANNE, FRED and ALPO) Ah, and a good day to you, one and all!
ALPO: Witch doctor hear boom-boom?
ZHIVAGO: Indeed I did. Fear not. ‘Twas only the Great Raliph punching in on the great time clock of the universe.
ALPO: See?
ROXANNE: You’re going to believe a guy with bananas on his head?
ZHIVAGO: Ah, the fair Roxanne. You are beautiful as the day is long.
ROXANNE: And what do we owe the dishonor of your presence?
ZHIVAGO: Is that any way to greet a friend?
ROXANNE: No, it’s not. Shall I repeat the question?
ZHIVAGO: That’s not nice. And here I have come all the way from deep inside the jungle just to call on you. I’ve even brought you a gift, a lovely house plant. Yoyo!
(YOYO, the witch doctor’s right hand thug, struggles to enter with a vine wrapped around his neck.)
ROXANNE: What is it?
ZHIVAGO: Why, it’s a strangler vine, of course. Yoyo, stop playing with Roxanne’s present and bring it here.
YOYO: Plant…stubborn, boss! (vine pulls him off)
ROXANNE: Nice present.
ZHIVAGO: It’s the thought that counts.
ROXANNE: Can you imagine what I’m thinking?
ZHIVAGO: Oh, Roxanne, I worship the ground you walk upon. You are the song in my heart. You are the apple of my eye. Can’t you see what I’m trying to tell you? I love you. Say you’ll be mine.
ROXANNE: Not now. Not ever. Never!
ZHIVAGO: But why? I’m an educated man. I graduated from Harvard. Here’s my frat pin. (hands it to her) We can go steady.
ROXANNE: Take your frat pin and stick it. (returns pin to his hand, point down)
ZHIVAGO: (grimaces in pain) Ooh…right in the thumb. (tries to maintain dignity) I’m sure you must have your reasons.
ROXANNE: You are a mean-spirited, pathetic little weasel. Is that reason enough for you? No? Then how about this? I don’t like you!
ZHIVAGO: But I have so much to offer. The Great Raliph has granted me the divine right to rule this island. So I have that going for me.
ROXANNE: (balls up fist) I’m going to grant you a divine right cross if you don’t leave me alone.
ZHIVAGO: (cowering) Don’t hit me! I’m a bleeder!
YOYO: (entering, exhausted) Sorry, boss. Plant…dead.
ZHIVAGO: It’s coming out of your paycheck.
ROXANNE: Zhivago, you are absolutely the worst.
ZHIVAGO: Marry me and make me a better man! We can go to Niagra Falls…
ROXANNE: Forget it! I wouldn’t marry you if you were the last man on earth.
ZHIVAGO: Well, look around, sweetheart! The odds are running in my favor. I don’t see any other suitors around…unless you count this stiff. (points to YOYO)
YOYO: Roxanne not my type. Too bossy.
ZHIVAGO: Quiet! (to ROXANNE) Is this your final answer, my turtle dove?
ROXANNE: Let me spell it out for you. N-O means NO!
ZHIVAGO: (angry) Then so be it! But be warned, Miss High and Mighty. I am not a man who takes no for an answer lightly.
ROXANNE: I agree with the first part of that sentence. You-are-not-a-man.
ZHIVAGO: Do not trifle with me! You forget that I can summon the power of the Great Raliph to unleash the terror of the Fire Mountain upon you all…on my word!
(Another explosion occurs off stage.)
ZHIVAGO: (to RALIPH) Not yet! Let me get out of the way first!
ALPO: (pointing up) Look! Up in sky!
(All eyes follow whatever has been blown out of the ocean and above them from stage right to stage left, culminating with a splash heard off-stage.)
ROXANNE: Whatever it is landed in the lagoon!
(JEFF and SVEN enter, stumbling, tattered and disheveled)
FRED: Who could they be?
ALPO: Dunno. Maybe tourists.
JEFF: (dazed) Hello… Can we use your phone?
(They both fall in a heap.)
ROXANNE: (kneels down to rest JEFF’s head on her lap) Hey, wake up, sailor! Are you hurt?
FRED: (mirrors her sister’s actions with SVEN, except yells in his ear) Hello! Nothing. (shakes limp body about)
ROXANNE: Careful. You might break him.
ZHIVAGO: (goes into a fitful dance in place) Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
ROXANNE: Stop that, you lunatic.
ZHIVAGO: Cast them back into the sea! Evil spirits! Boogity boogity boo!
ROXANNE: (aside) Harvard man.
ZHIVAGO: These two are demons, I tell you. The baddest ju-ju of all bad ju-ju! Yoyo, I order you to kill them! (YOYO advances with spear)
ROXANNE: You take one step closer and I’ll break your arm!
YOYO: (taking a step back) No problem.
ZHIVAGO: Coward.
YOYO: Roxanne tough cookie. One time, she take me two out of three falls.
ROXANNE: This one’s coming to. (to JEFF) Are you okay there, sailor?
JEFF: An angel. I must be in Heaven.
ROXANNE: Fred, get some water for them.
(FRED stands, dropping SVEN hard to the ground)
ALPO: Forget water. Drink this instead.
(ROXANNE gives JEFF a drink from ALPO’s gourd, then SVEN. They shoot straight up to their feet and dance “The Sailor’s Hornpipe” in double time.)
JEFF: Shiver me timbers!
SVEN: And ship ahoy!
JEFF: Good morning, everybody. (salutes) Captain Jeff Cooper’s the name.
ROXANNE: How do you do, Captain?
JEFF: (enchanted by ROXANNE) Oh…fine… Uh, this is my first mate…
SVEN: Sven Bjorn Bjorg Gunther at your service.
ROXANNE: Hello, Sven. (shakes his hand) My name is Roxanne.
SVEN: Please to make your acquaintance, miss.
ROXANNE: Allow me to introduce you to my sister, Fred.
JEFF: Fred?
FRED: Papa wanted a boy.
ALPO: Close, but no cigar.
ROXANNE: And this is our uncle Alpo.
ALPO: Hello, Joe! Alpo Yankee doodle dandy! (whistles song and salutes)
ROXANNE: He loves Americans. (ZHIVAGO growls) Oh, and this rabid dog over here is…
JEFF: How do you do, sir? Captain Jeff Cooper. Darn glad to meet you. (extends hand)
ZHIVAGO: (hissing, then begins to chant and dance in place) Ya ya ya ya! Yay ya ya ya!
JEFF: (to Roxanne) Um…who is this fellow?
ROXANNE: Witch doctor.
JEFF: Is he making a house call?
SVEN: Easy, Skipper. Dat dere’s a voodoo man!
ZHIVAGO: (stops dancing) Be gone, outlanders! Be gone! Leave this island…or die! (exits)
JEFF: So I take it he’s not the chairman of the welcoming committee?
YOYO: (extends hand) We not introduced. My name…
ZHIVAGO: (off) Yoyo!
YOYO: What he said. Gotta go. We do lunch. (exits)
SVEN: Leave dis island or die? Vell, break time’s over, Skipper! Off ve go! (heads toward ocean)
JEFF: Get back here, Sven. We’re going anywhere without a boat.
ROXANNE: What happened to it?
JEFF: I was piloting our vessel through some pretty treacherous waters off your shoreline thanks to some nasty souvenirs leftover from the war. Unfortunately, we struck one of these mines which sunk our ship and sent us flying.
ROXANNE: But we heard two explosions.
JEFF: Well, the first was a friendly dolphin with an unfortunate sense of direction.
SVEN: Yah. Poor Louie went kablooey.
JEFF: (puts hand on Sven’s shoulder) Louie was one brave fish.
(Dolphin sound off)
SVEN: Mammal.
JEFF: Where exactly are we anyway?
ROXANNE: This is my home, Ooaheek Island.
JEEF: Ooaheek? What does that mean?
(Sound of bird squawking “OO-AH-EEK!” which then drops dead center stage.)
FRED: Bird that flies too close to Fire Mountain.
ALPO: Stupid birds.
Copyright 2016 by Scott Cherney
All Rights Reserved